Life, And Other Natural Disasters...

One thing the ex asked me was "Was there somebody else?"  There wasn't, which disappointed him; I suspect he wanted something concrete to hang the end of the relationship on.  There wasn't for two reasons - one, I couldn't do it to him, two, there was just no way logistically from a village that only had one bus an hour on weekdays and Saturdays; nothing at all on a Sunday.  No way of sneaking out covertly to visit a scarlet gentleman, so to speak ;)

Going forward, I find myself asking all sorts of questions about what I want from a relationship.  I certainly don't want to rush into something, unless my gut feeling tells me it is right.  My gut feeling didn't last time.  Should I go for a relationship where we live separately?  We need to communicate better.  I need to learn to communicate better.  But Mr. Rafferty says it best...

It's been over a month...
Yup, I know.  Have not had the muse with me until now.  All floats on in the world of the koala.  I suppose the main thing I've been concerning myself with is trying to get a move from my current office in Smethwick, on the fringe of Birmingham, to an office closer to the indended wedded boudoir in Coalville, back over in the East Midlands.  Could be working in the same office as Best Beloved, in Burton upon Trent, which also means I am working in my birth county of Staffordshire.  There is still a small possibility of moving to the office in Coalville, but at the moment, Burton is more likely.

Meanwhile, work continues trying to help the great unwashed find gainful employment.  Have got a new boss, who is a little more laid back that my last boss, but I think he can assert himself if he needs to, which is re-asssuring.

Have managed to persuade Best Beloved of the joys of Doctor Who.  Unfortunately, his efforts to persuade me of the merits of Coronation Street and Emmerdale have fallen on deaf ears.

And finally, a week's holiday in Scotland next month - would have preferred 2 weeks but oh well...

And that's it for the minute...

So there's this guy.

He lives about an hours train ride from here and I've been corresponding online with him through Bearciti.  Been trying to sort out a meeting with him for over a month now; but, despite me being free most weekends, it seems not to be the case with him.  Parents seem to crop up as a reason which makes me suspect that he is not out to them.

But I likes the look of him and he of me, so I'm going to persist.

Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

I work hard
He works hard
Every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own -
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord - somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me - somebody to love?

He works hard

Everyday
Everyday
- I try and I try and I try -
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm goin' crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
Got no common sense
He's got nobody left to believe
Yeah - yeah yeah yeah

Oh Lord
Somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
I'm ok, I'm alright
He's alright; he's alright
Ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord!

Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Somebody, somebody
Find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Clifford, it has been over two years since someone else filled my shoes.  Please don't worry; I am no way bitter about it.  In fact, I am glad you found someone in the same state as you rather than someone a continent away.  But I still can't help looking into you eyes in photographs and mushing up.  We still have a good friendship and I don't want to give it up.  I suppose somehow I need to find a way of moving on...



...I'm just not sure how.

It still affects me.  The tour of "Treasure Island" that Russ was due to be on was in Nottingham until yesterday.  I went to the theatre to pick up copies of the programme for madamemish and myself; there was a tribute, albeit brief, to Russ on the front page.  It brought a swell of emotion up through me and as I walked through the city, I saw Russ's haunts everywhere.  Not bad, for a city that he actually disliked living in for nigh on 20 years. 

But I'm still here and I try to move on; battered and bloodied that I still feel.  I still hurt from not being able to see all the people I'd like to in the US - with the world economy going to hell in a handcart, it becomes depressingly less likely.  I can't cut off completely; there's too much love out there to lose.  I just need someone closer to home - or some minor miracle.  Miracles don't happen, so the other option is the one I have to explore.  Right now, I feel very much aligned with the Doctor - a huge "family" out there but still alone...

There may be changes afoot; I'm trying for a number of opportunities at work which may mean I move again.  Or I may not.  It's in the lap of the gods and my pessimism indicates that I will continue at the same grade, living out of a room in the 'burbs for the foreseeable future.

Or I may not.  That's the joy of the future and the curse of the future.  Nobody knows.

I suppose I have to accept that, for the time being, there are certain strictures on what I can and cannot achieve.  I'd like to go to Manchester more but I haven't been there for nigh on a year.  The Bear scene, such as it was, in Nottingham seems to be dying on its feet although I have been told that there is a meet-up on Friday night, which I may well head along to.

Problem is, that's all there seems to be.  I'm not sure otherwise I know where the Bears hang out.  There are some I have tried to contact through some of the Bear sites that are out there and all I get is either a wall of silence or an inability to commit to a meeting - both of which I interpret as rejection and unwillingness to even meet up with me.

I'm not a disco bunny who can stay up all hours.  I find most clubs too loud to hear myself think - I'd rather sit around drinking coffee.

So, and I think I'm missing the bleedin' obvious here, what else can I do to get me a man???

The lovers are dancing like a fairy tale
Their public romancing seems so unreal
But they don't need it, can take or leave it
It's too easy, they won't believe it
Don't fall in love with a free spirit
She'll disregard your heart and make you pay for it
So just leave it, and just retrieve it
She'll abuse it, and trash and tease it
Don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Every legend has a broken heart, every game has a go back to start
So don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Euphoria is a silver state until you wake
She'll burn and deceive, starve your very needs
Provoke, tease, coax you onto your knees
All the lies and innocent cries
That divide everything that has ever been
Don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Every legend has a broken heart, every game has a go back to start
So don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Euphoria is a silver state until you wake, until you wake, until you wake
She'll take your spirit and cage it
She'll take your soul and kill it
She'll take your love and spill it
Scoop up the debris and swallow it
So don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Every legend has a broken heart, every game has a go back to start
So don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Euphoria is a silver state until you wake
So don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Every legend has a broken heart, every game has a go back to start

Ok, so far I have the job, albeit temporary, but dammit, it's a reason to get up in the morning.  Working next on getting out of rock_bear's flat as soon as possible.  After that...?  Well, either looking for Mister Right, or just some more frequent sex would be nice...