Life, And Other Natural Disasters...

I have made myself feel a fool again.  Thought a (once) close friendship counted for something.  Clearly I was very wrong.  I have virtually been told, without a word being spoken, to f*ck off and never darken a particular doorstep again.

Which I will do.  I will have nothing further to do with that person.  I will erase all trace of that person from my life. 

Thank you for making a complete fool of me, Peter.

A phone conversation leads to information about someone I was very close to a while ago.  Seems things are no longer working out.  I've let him know that I am here if he needs me... although I'm not sure whether he knows where "here" is...

Awaiting developments...

So it ends.
It was (name deleted)'s last day at work today; he came round last night for dinner, and I gave him some parting gifts and a farewell hug. They had a presentation at work for him - I know for a fact he didn't want one, and I wasn't surprised to see him try and escape for a cigarette at 11am. He was hauled back into the office by Carole. He responded to the plaudits offered to him by starting "I'd like to say I've enjoyed it here but..." And didn't finish. I know there were a few home truths he wanted to tell a few people, but for once in his life, discretion was the better part of valour.
I know for a fact there will be one or two muttering "Thank heavens he's gone!" under their breath. Their loss.
And now he's gone, and I'm not sure how I feel. Two years ago, I would have probably been a complete mess, but now...
I'm not sure.

Today is not a good day.  It didn't help I spent half of the night with my head hovering near the toilet.  So, I phoned into work sick and lay listening to Radio 4 for most of the morning.  Felt well enough for some soup at lunchtime.

Spent the afternoon feeling quite miserable.  I don't know whether it was the lack of sleep, or the conversation with my sister on the phone last night where she expressed the opinion that I should not bring rock_bear to my cousin's wedding next month.  As usual, she made me feel quite inadequate.  It's a knack of hers.   Or maybe I was making myself feel inadequate.  I just don't know.  All I know is I spent the afternoon feeling a little tear-y and listening to Agnetha  Fältskog albums.

I'm not sure whether it may even have been caused by the realisation that (name deleted) is leaving work and moving to East Anglia at the end of the month.  I started feeling very alone.

Maybe it is time to see the doctor for some good old antidepressants... 

So, I had an interview for the Help Desk Manager job today. Grabbed my tie from the furthest reaches of my desk drawer (note: (name deleted) had turned in for same interview wearing a two piece suit - draw your own conclusions). I'm pretty sure I gave all the right answers, but I'm pretty sure my nervousness showed... I'm not really hopeful, but we will see.

Other developments move on...

Spent yesterday with Russ in London; trying to sort each other out. We went to Madame Tussauds and the V&A, and lunched in Covent Garden, drinking Pimms and Lemonade, don't y'know! I was trying to persuade him to take a holiday; he'd been talking about San Francisco, but had managed to talk himself out of it. I worked on him a little longer (yes, Douglas, I did suggest he took a detour to Portland... ;-{))} ). We shall see...

We adjourned to the King's Arms and were both approached by a young bear who seemed to know Russ, and proceeded to ask some quite direct questions. Russ was getting a little growl-y so we moved outside, only to be followed a few minutes later. Eventually, we made our excuses and I headed back to Gosport.

Today was hellish; it really dragged. The only saving grace was I had a perfectly civilised conversation with (name deleted) about the history of the British Isles. Otherwise, there was bugger all to do.

Finally managed to get to see physician to get a referral to a consultant psychiatrist. Watch this space...

Really, I was doing ok until I left (name deleted) on the bus, opened the front door, picked up the mail from the last week and put down my suitcase.
Then the tears hit me.
I had just returned from spending the weekend in Portland, OR with a very dear friend of mine, who I have known nigh on 4 years but never met in person; spoken to on the phone many times...
And I got to meet him in person this weekend. What was a friendship got a whole lot closer. We spent a lot of quality time together, talking, walking, exploring, touring and getting to know each other a hell of a lot better.
I left Portland at about ten to three yesterday; I wanted to stay. Especially as I waved to him for the last time as (name deleted) and I disappeared to the gate.
I knew it wouldn't be easy that morning when we were in the hotel room, and my eyes started to prickle then.
It's not a case of goodbye; more au revoir...

So Christmas and New Year is over... it was in someways an ordeal. Unfinished business is still unfinished business. Growl.
Spent New Year hardly talking to (name deleted) because he snapped at me for what I felt was no good reason. This may sound childish; the reasoning was if I don't say anything, I can't say anything that he might bite my head off for.
Scenery was fantastic; guinness went down well.
Now trying to create a written diary - have managed most days so far, but it's early days yet.
Need to get my breath back...

So John, (name deleted) and myself decided to take a trip across La Manche to the land of garlic, cheese, Cognac and serious gastronomy. Caught the ferry, having got up at a godawful hour to place coffee into a bleary-eyed (name deleted)'s paw and push him into the shower. Ate exceptionally well on the ferry. Got to the hotel, sorted ourselves out and went for a walk, checking out restaurant menus as we walked, and ended up at the beach eating huge ice creams. Went back to hotel. Had siesta. Walked to chosed restaurant and dined regally, and were treated with the greatest of courtesy, since we were speaking French, unlike a lot of the other Brits in the restaurant. Waddled back to the hotel where (name deleted) and John had a nightcap, and I went to bed.
Sunday, got up, had a bath, woke up John and (name deleted) and trooped down for petit-dejeuner. Took another walk around town; checked out of the hotel, and took another walk to the beach before heading off to the ferry back to Portsmouth. Got on the ferry; cocked up our cabin reservation, by occupying the cabin of a rather sour-faced couple who didn't understand the concept of a sincere apology by mistake, thus throwing me into a hissy-fit. Bought lots of chocolate. Ate well on the (crowded) boat again. Staggered through the front door.
After all that gastronomy, started at the gym tonight. I think I'm going to suffer for it in the morning. Oh well...