Life, And Other Natural Disasters...

I've been back at work for 2 weeks; feels like I never left.  I'm off work now for 2 weeks on planned vacation ("use it or lose it").  Not really sure what to do with myself as most of the stuff I want to do costs money.  I am taking a little inexpensive trip within the UK in the second week, but that's about it.

And that seems to be it at the moment.  Just waves and waves of ennui.  Going out to bars costs money, so I'm not meeting people except if I have done a lot of planning.  And it's driving me nuts.  Maybe my life is just on hold at the moment...

Strands of light upon a bedroom floor
Change the night through an open door
I'm awake but this not my home
For the first time I'm not alone

Reaching out I touch another skin
Breathing out as he is breathing in
Deep inside I feel my soul aflame
Can my life ever be the same

I should have told him
I'd do anything if I could hold him
For just another day, for just another day
His love is something I will not forget
When I am far away, when I am far away
I feel the rainfall of another planet
Another planet

Close together in the afterglow
I remember how his loving flow
Turned the key into another world
Made a woman of a simple girl

Daylight comes as we both know it must
Soon my fantasy will turn to dust
But I would give him anything he asked
If my first love could be my last

I should have told him
I'd do anything if I could hold him
For just another day, for just another day
His love is something I will not regret
When I am far away, when I am far away
I feel the rainfall of another planet
When I am far away, when I am far away
I feel the rainfall of another planet

So far this week, I have had one rejection letter for my attempts at promotion; two more to go.  Buzz at work today is that the Nottinghamshire boards are out today, so I should hopefully get home to mine.  And, of course, I am expecting another rejection.  I did my best, but I just have the nagging notion I am not telling them what they want to hear.  So, I shall probably wallow in doom and gloom tonight.  After all, why should I get good news?

Edit: Of course I didn't pass the interview board.  Spent 20 mins on the phone to my friend Stuart, wailing and gnashing teeth.

It still affects me.  The tour of "Treasure Island" that Russ was due to be on was in Nottingham until yesterday.  I went to the theatre to pick up copies of the programme for madamemish and myself; there was a tribute, albeit brief, to Russ on the front page.  It brought a swell of emotion up through me and as I walked through the city, I saw Russ's haunts everywhere.  Not bad, for a city that he actually disliked living in for nigh on 20 years. 

But I'm still here and I try to move on; battered and bloodied that I still feel.  I still hurt from not being able to see all the people I'd like to in the US - with the world economy going to hell in a handcart, it becomes depressingly less likely.  I can't cut off completely; there's too much love out there to lose.  I just need someone closer to home - or some minor miracle.  Miracles don't happen, so the other option is the one I have to explore.  Right now, I feel very much aligned with the Doctor - a huge "family" out there but still alone...

There may be changes afoot; I'm trying for a number of opportunities at work which may mean I move again.  Or I may not.  It's in the lap of the gods and my pessimism indicates that I will continue at the same grade, living out of a room in the 'burbs for the foreseeable future.

Or I may not.  That's the joy of the future and the curse of the future.  Nobody knows.

I am getting heartily sick with things at the moment.  I am trying to build up my capital so that I can move out of this room into an apartment of my own.  But sevaral of the efforts I have made of late have come to nothing.  I try and sell an item on e-bay only to have it withdrawn.  And after a couple of months, despite being told that the genetics tests should just be a routine matter, I am turned down at the last hurdle for sperm donation.  Don't panic at the next bit because there is no way I'm going to commit suicide or anything stupid like that, but my life is worthless.  What is the point of me going on?  To provide amusement for those better off who enjoy Schadenfreude (and no, my dear LJ readers, I don't think of any of you like that.)  Look at my pathetic attempts to try and better my circumstances.  And laugh like a Hiyena as I get kicked back down again.

I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN.  OBVIOUSLY THAT IS TOO MUCH TO ASK.

All three major romances in my life have happened unexpectedly.  The close friendship that developed with rock_bear kept me going post utahmtnbear.  And now.  I am alone.  I have no-one that I share the same closeness that I felt with either Clifford or Russ.  I go to local bear meetings but people there are either in relationships or just uninterested in me.  All the interest at the moment seems to be from across the pond.  It might as well be out at the Milky Way.  Hell, even a trip to Manchester might just as well be a trip to Australia, but without the koalas.

I feel quite stuck.  I left the south because I knew I couldn't afford to live there and there would have been too many bad memories staying in Gosport.  Mind you, I had about as much interest from the local bear group there.  But I refuse to change.  To cut my hair and conform to UK Bear Official Standard Buzz Cut And Goatee just isn't me.

Where is my man?

The lovers are dancing like a fairy tale
Their public romancing seems so unreal
But they don't need it, can take or leave it
It's too easy, they won't believe it
Don't fall in love with a free spirit
She'll disregard your heart and make you pay for it
So just leave it, and just retrieve it
She'll abuse it, and trash and tease it
Don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Every legend has a broken heart, every game has a go back to start
So don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Euphoria is a silver state until you wake
She'll burn and deceive, starve your very needs
Provoke, tease, coax you onto your knees
All the lies and innocent cries
That divide everything that has ever been
Don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Every legend has a broken heart, every game has a go back to start
So don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Euphoria is a silver state until you wake, until you wake, until you wake
She'll take your spirit and cage it
She'll take your soul and kill it
She'll take your love and spill it
Scoop up the debris and swallow it
So don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Every legend has a broken heart, every game has a go back to start
So don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Euphoria is a silver state until you wake
So don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Every legend has a broken heart, every game has a go back to start

Life, as I hope to live it, is an Awfully Big Adventure.  Highs and, for the moment, lows.  But an adventure I wouldn't miss for all the world.

Here's to us; one more toast and then we'll pay the bill
Deep inside both of us can feel the autumn chill
Birds of passage, you and me
We fly instinctively
When the summers over and the dark clouds hide the sun
Neither you nor I'm to blame when all is said and done

In our lives we have walked some strange and lonely treks
Slightly worn but dignified and not too old for sex
Were still striving for the sky
No taste for humble pie
Thanks for all your generous love and thanks for all the fun
Neither you nor I'm to blame when all is said and done

It's so strange when you're down and lying on the floor
How you rise, shake your head, get up and ask for more
Clear-headed and open-eyed
With nothing left untried
Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
Theres no hurry any more when all is said and done

Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
Theres no hurry any more when all is said and done

I hate being depressed.
I hate the constant feeling of anger and contempt for my previous employer.
I hate expending lots of effort applying for jobs only to get rejected.
I hate this constant feeling of apathy.
I just want some form of positive movement.

Is that too much to ask?

Obviously it is.

Re-discovered this track recently which sort of sums up how I still feel about Clifford.