hantsbear: (Cupid)
One thing the ex asked me was "Was there somebody else?"  There wasn't, which disappointed him; I suspect he wanted something concrete to hang the end of the relationship on.  There wasn't for two reasons - one, I couldn't do it to him, two, there was just no way logistically from a village that only had one bus an hour on weekdays and Saturdays; nothing at all on a Sunday.  No way of sneaking out covertly to visit a scarlet gentleman, so to speak ;)

Going forward, I find myself asking all sorts of questions about what I want from a relationship.  I certainly don't want to rush into something, unless my gut feeling tells me it is right.  My gut feeling didn't last time.  Should I go for a relationship where we live separately?  We need to communicate better.  I need to learn to communicate better.  But Mr. Rafferty says it best...
hantsbear: (low flying koala)
So, the move is pretty much on.  Don't have a date yet, but have been in conversation with people and the plan is for me to work on detachment from my new office for about two months in a place called Hinckley.  Then, hopefully around the end of April, I will transfer back to my new office in Coalville.  Which is about 30 minutes walk from where my new home will be...

It begins...

Update...

May. 26th, 2011 06:57 pm
hantsbear: (wot you looking at?)
It's been over a month...
Yup, I know.  Have not had the muse with me until now.  All floats on in the world of the koala.  I suppose the main thing I've been concerning myself with is trying to get a move from my current office in Smethwick, on the fringe of Birmingham, to an office closer to the indended wedded boudoir in Coalville, back over in the East Midlands.  Could be working in the same office as Best Beloved, in Burton upon Trent, which also means I am working in my birth county of Staffordshire.  There is still a small possibility of moving to the office in Coalville, but at the moment, Burton is more likely.

Meanwhile, work continues trying to help the great unwashed find gainful employment.  Have got a new boss, who is a little more laid back that my last boss, but I think he can assert himself if he needs to, which is re-asssuring.

Have managed to persuade Best Beloved of the joys of Doctor Who.  Unfortunately, his efforts to persuade me of the merits of Coronation Street and Emmerdale have fallen on deaf ears.

And finally, a week's holiday in Scotland next month - would have preferred 2 weeks but oh well...

And that's it for the minute...
hantsbear: (Hug)
I am engaged to be married to Mr. Stephen John Willars!

Squee!!!
hantsbear: (quagmire)
So there's this guy.

He lives about an hours train ride from here and I've been corresponding online with him through Bearciti.  Been trying to sort out a meeting with him for over a month now; but, despite me being free most weekends, it seems not to be the case with him.  Parents seem to crop up as a reason which makes me suspect that he is not out to them.

But I likes the look of him and he of me, so I'm going to persist.
hantsbear: (Life)
A friend has stated to me that I am preventing my own happiness and that I am determined to be miserable whatever the cost.  I am not sure that I agree 100% with that second statement, for this reason: I am a lot happier working for the Department for Work and Pensions than I was working for EDS, especially the last 6 months.  For one thing, I do not suffer from continual stress.  Sure, there are stressful occasions but not the constant pressure of supervising effectively the human equivalent of a battery farm.  Yes, the boss can be an irritating sod at times with some of his quirks but all in all he is, for the most part, considerate and human.

I think the first statement is aimed at my desire for a relationship of some sort.  Sure, I don't expect it to happen over night, but it was commented on a visit to The Fountain in Birmingham (the local bear bar) that I avoid eye contact with people who are interested in me.  Or am completely oblivious of them.  Compare two situations : Fiesta de los Osos - I don't seem to have a problem with eye contact or talking to people, and people talking to me.  Or is there something I'm not aware of?  The last Manbears event I went to - I was virtually ignored all evening, despite trying to make eye contact with people.

Oh well, I am due to meet a guy on Sunday afternoon, so we shall see what happens...
hantsbear: (Life)
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

I work hard
He works hard
Every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own -
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord - somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me - somebody to love?

He works hard

Everyday
Everyday
- I try and I try and I try -
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm goin' crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
Got no common sense
He's got nobody left to believe
Yeah - yeah yeah yeah

Oh Lord
Somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
I'm ok, I'm alright
He's alright; he's alright
Ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord!

Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Somebody, somebody
Find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Freddie Mercury (Farroukh Bulsara)
hantsbear: (Benny)
hantsbear: (that's mister cranky koala to you)
Clifford, it has been over two years since someone else filled my shoes.  Please don't worry; I am no way bitter about it.  In fact, I am glad you found someone in the same state as you rather than someone a continent away.  But I still can't help looking into you eyes in photographs and mushing up.  We still have a good friendship and I don't want to give it up.  I suppose somehow I need to find a way of moving on...



...I'm just not sure how.



hantsbear: (Where Are We Going?)
I went up to Manchester yesterday to go to Manbears' Prehibearnation.  Checked into my hotel and made my way over to the sauna.  Spent three hours wandering around trying to catch the eye of some men... not a grope, apart from bumping into an acquaintance from Leeds who was doing the rounds.  Moved on to the Outpost for a quick drink with friends then back to the hotel to change.  Then spent three hours wandering around Legends looking moody in a leather waistcoat (one I inherited from Russ).  Met up with people I knew, such as Ady (former msfg on livejournal) and others but despite eyecontact and growling, not a sniff.

It is entirely plausable that my technique requires a little work, but I'm beginning to wonder if I am actually looking in the right places?  I'm not sure that the man I am after spends a lot of time disco bunny-ing until 4 in the morning.  In the UK, there don't seem to be things like "bear coffee" evenings, where you can actually talk to people instead of having to shout while some over amplified techno damages your hearing.

So, in the UK, where is "the right place to look"...?
hantsbear: (Tea (nicked from who knows where!!!))
It still affects me.  The tour of "Treasure Island" that Russ was due to be on was in Nottingham until yesterday.  I went to the theatre to pick up copies of the programme for [profile] madamemish and myself; there was a tribute, albeit brief, to Russ on the front page.  It brought a swell of emotion up through me and as I walked through the city, I saw Russ's haunts everywhere.  Not bad, for a city that he actually disliked living in for nigh on 20 years. 

But I'm still here and I try to move on; battered and bloodied that I still feel.  I still hurt from not being able to see all the people I'd like to in the US - with the world economy going to hell in a handcart, it becomes depressingly less likely.  I can't cut off completely; there's too much love out there to lose.  I just need someone closer to home - or some minor miracle.  Miracles don't happen, so the other option is the one I have to explore.  Right now, I feel very much aligned with the Doctor - a huge "family" out there but still alone...

There may be changes afoot; I'm trying for a number of opportunities at work which may mean I move again.  Or I may not.  It's in the lap of the gods and my pessimism indicates that I will continue at the same grade, living out of a room in the 'burbs for the foreseeable future.

Or I may not.  That's the joy of the future and the curse of the future.  Nobody knows.
hantsbear: (koala and mountainbear)
 Guess who turns 50 tomorrow...


[profile] utahmtnbear!!
Still love ya after all this time!  Hugs.
hantsbear: (good hair day)
I suppose I have to accept that, for the time being, there are certain strictures on what I can and cannot achieve.  I'd like to go to Manchester more but I haven't been there for nigh on a year.  The Bear scene, such as it was, in Nottingham seems to be dying on its feet although I have been told that there is a meet-up on Friday night, which I may well head along to.

Problem is, that's all there seems to be.  I'm not sure otherwise I know where the Bears hang out.  There are some I have tried to contact through some of the Bear sites that are out there and all I get is either a wall of silence or an inability to commit to a meeting - both of which I interpret as rejection and unwillingness to even meet up with me.

I'm not a disco bunny who can stay up all hours.  I find most clubs too loud to hear myself think - I'd rather sit around drinking coffee.

So, and I think I'm missing the bleedin' obvious here, what else can I do to get me a man???
hantsbear: (Gamla Stan)
All three major romances in my life have happened unexpectedly.  The close friendship that developed with [profile] rock_bear kept me going post [profile] utahmtnbear.  And now.  I am alone.  I have no-one that I share the same closeness that I felt with either Clifford or Russ.  I go to local bear meetings but people there are either in relationships or just uninterested in me.  All the interest at the moment seems to be from across the pond.  It might as well be out at the Milky Way.  Hell, even a trip to Manchester might just as well be a trip to Australia, but without the koalas.

I feel quite stuck.  I left the south because I knew I couldn't afford to live there and there would have been too many bad memories staying in Gosport.  Mind you, I had about as much interest from the local bear group there.  But I refuse to change.  To cut my hair and conform to UK Bear Official Standard Buzz Cut And Goatee just isn't me.

Where is my man?
hantsbear: (Auntie Toyah)
The lovers are dancing like a fairy tale
Their public romancing seems so unreal
But they don't need it, can take or leave it
It's too easy, they won't believe it
Don't fall in love with a free spirit
She'll disregard your heart and make you pay for it
So just leave it, and just retrieve it
She'll abuse it, and trash and tease it
Don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Every legend has a broken heart, every game has a go back to start
So don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Euphoria is a silver state until you wake
She'll burn and deceive, starve your very needs
Provoke, tease, coax you onto your knees
All the lies and innocent cries
That divide everything that has ever been
Don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Every legend has a broken heart, every game has a go back to start
So don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Euphoria is a silver state until you wake, until you wake, until you wake
She'll take your spirit and cage it
She'll take your soul and kill it
She'll take your love and spill it
Scoop up the debris and swallow it
So don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Every legend has a broken heart, every game has a go back to start
So don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Euphoria is a silver state until you wake
So don't fall in love, I said, don't fall in love, I said
Every legend has a broken heart, every game has a go back to start

Toyah Willcox/Simon Darlow
hantsbear: (Does This Make Me Look Trashy?)
Another problem is the distinct lack of romance in my life.  Problem is, I don't know where to look.  Where do the bears who don't twink it out to manic hi-energi disco beats hang out?  I've tried The Broadway; no luck there.  The Lord Roberts is ok for Bear Night, but they still insist on playing such stereotypical sounds.  All of my romances have happened while I haven't been looking for love... is that the answer?
hantsbear: (Eucalyptus break)
Ok, so far I have the job, albeit temporary, but dammit, it's a reason to get up in the morning.  Working next on getting out of [profile] rock_bear's flat as soon as possible.  After that...?  Well, either looking for Mister Right, or just some more frequent sex would be nice...

Hope...?

May. 11th, 2007 09:34 am
hantsbear: (low flying koala)
Okay, I'm a bit up and down right now.  After several days of quite crushing depression, yesterday afternoon offered some hope in the form of some local temp work which would keep me going for about 5 weeks.  Hopefully, in that time, I can prove what a Useful and Acceptable person I am and they get me some more work... I can only hope.  But I haven't had the e-mail confirming yet, so I'm not holding my breath.  I'm sure you can understand my cynicism.

And so many touching messages - I'm blurring up just thinking about them - I thank you all for your e-mails and comments of support.  I'd make some comment about being unworthy, but I suspect you'd all shoot me down in the nicest possible way.  But I feel very honored and humbled to have such good friends, even if I've never met some of them in the flesh.

Love,

S

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hantsbear: (Default)
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