Life, And Other Natural Disasters...

It still affects me.  The tour of "Treasure Island" that Russ was due to be on was in Nottingham until yesterday.  I went to the theatre to pick up copies of the programme for madamemish and myself; there was a tribute, albeit brief, to Russ on the front page.  It brought a swell of emotion up through me and as I walked through the city, I saw Russ's haunts everywhere.  Not bad, for a city that he actually disliked living in for nigh on 20 years. 

But I'm still here and I try to move on; battered and bloodied that I still feel.  I still hurt from not being able to see all the people I'd like to in the US - with the world economy going to hell in a handcart, it becomes depressingly less likely.  I can't cut off completely; there's too much love out there to lose.  I just need someone closer to home - or some minor miracle.  Miracles don't happen, so the other option is the one I have to explore.  Right now, I feel very much aligned with the Doctor - a huge "family" out there but still alone...

There may be changes afoot; I'm trying for a number of opportunities at work which may mean I move again.  Or I may not.  It's in the lap of the gods and my pessimism indicates that I will continue at the same grade, living out of a room in the 'burbs for the foreseeable future.

Or I may not.  That's the joy of the future and the curse of the future.  Nobody knows.

I am getting heartily sick with things at the moment.  I am trying to build up my capital so that I can move out of this room into an apartment of my own.  But sevaral of the efforts I have made of late have come to nothing.  I try and sell an item on e-bay only to have it withdrawn.  And after a couple of months, despite being told that the genetics tests should just be a routine matter, I am turned down at the last hurdle for sperm donation.  Don't panic at the next bit because there is no way I'm going to commit suicide or anything stupid like that, but my life is worthless.  What is the point of me going on?  To provide amusement for those better off who enjoy Schadenfreude (and no, my dear LJ readers, I don't think of any of you like that.)  Look at my pathetic attempts to try and better my circumstances.  And laugh like a Hiyena as I get kicked back down again.

I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN.  OBVIOUSLY THAT IS TOO MUCH TO ASK.

I suppose I have to accept that, for the time being, there are certain strictures on what I can and cannot achieve.  I'd like to go to Manchester more but I haven't been there for nigh on a year.  The Bear scene, such as it was, in Nottingham seems to be dying on its feet although I have been told that there is a meet-up on Friday night, which I may well head along to.

Problem is, that's all there seems to be.  I'm not sure otherwise I know where the Bears hang out.  There are some I have tried to contact through some of the Bear sites that are out there and all I get is either a wall of silence or an inability to commit to a meeting - both of which I interpret as rejection and unwillingness to even meet up with me.

I'm not a disco bunny who can stay up all hours.  I find most clubs too loud to hear myself think - I'd rather sit around drinking coffee.

So, and I think I'm missing the bleedin' obvious here, what else can I do to get me a man???

All three major romances in my life have happened unexpectedly.  The close friendship that developed with rock_bear kept me going post utahmtnbear.  And now.  I am alone.  I have no-one that I share the same closeness that I felt with either Clifford or Russ.  I go to local bear meetings but people there are either in relationships or just uninterested in me.  All the interest at the moment seems to be from across the pond.  It might as well be out at the Milky Way.  Hell, even a trip to Manchester might just as well be a trip to Australia, but without the koalas.

I feel quite stuck.  I left the south because I knew I couldn't afford to live there and there would have been too many bad memories staying in Gosport.  Mind you, I had about as much interest from the local bear group there.  But I refuse to change.  To cut my hair and conform to UK Bear Official Standard Buzz Cut And Goatee just isn't me.

Where is my man?

Long time (and maybe even short time) readers of this journal may be aware of my ongoing depression issues; currently I'm on 75mg of Effexor XL a day (not that much, apparently, but more than enough as far as I'm concerned!)  My current medical practice requires that I have to see a doctor every time I need a refill of these.  So, it's kept constantly under review.  Up until Russ's death, I had been contemplating cutting back my dose, but would need a new prescription to get the 37.5mg tablets.  Well, recent events changed that.  So, at my review today, I spoke to my physician about being referred for Cognotive Behavioral Therapy.  Alas, as is typical with the National Health Service, there is a six month minimum wait list.  Still, if it goes someway to repairing a somewhat broken koala, it can't be a bad thing...

...why should 2008 be any better than 2007?

Sure, there were good bits to 2007, but my brain just consigns them to the furthest nooks and crannies.  All the bad stuff is there at the front, just ready to pop to mind when I feel like mentally flogging myself.

Good job I'm getting to see a therapist again soon.

Anyways, that's enough of my doom, gloom and general despondency.  I hope everyone else has a healthy and happy 2008.

As for me, well, watch this space...

...etc., etc...
I now have three interviews and one test next week for various positions.  Although one of them I may have to cancel if I can't get there by public transport.  No more news from the other three I'm waiting on.  Which does not tend to bode well.

Crappy mood for about 50% of the morning at work today.  I'm not sure whether it had anything to do with the fact that I'd been chatting to Clifford on line first thing*, which had me thinking about what I don't have while I was walking into the city to catch the tram out to work.  I am currently pestering several agencies to get me a permanent position - one job I had high hopes of getting an interview for, I was turned down for because I "had too much experience for such a junior position".  Well, pardon me for breathing.  Surely the fact that I have been doing a menial (albeit temp) job for 6 months nearly should be some sort of indication that I'm prepared to put up with a basic clerical job.

What employers seem to be unaware of is that I can't get a job in the IT industry because of my lack of hardware experience; all of my software/language experience is in virtually extinct languages.  And it's been so long now since I used them that I would have difficulty getting back into that type of mindset.

So, I end up being frustrated which makes me even more determined to keep trying.  It's all I can do.  Doing nothing is not an option.


*we did not have an argument or anything; just my continual sense of loss.

I am not sure what to write about at the moment.  Life continues to disappoint in some ways; I mean things could be a lot worse - one of my housemates is behind with the rent and living off kidney beans and couscous.  But I'd like things to be a lot better and I have no idea of how to make things better.  Which is more than a little frustrating.

Feeling particularly craptacular right now.  An ongoing sense of loss, anger, depression all going back to when I was made redundant.  Sure, I wasn't happy in the job but I didn't see the end coming.  Okay, the payout cushioned the blow for a while but that is long gone.  I'm having to "make do".  Which is something I'm not used to and it doesn't come easily to me.  My wages barely cover my living expenses and a gratuity to each of my creditors all of whom engage in regular correspondence with me.  Or try to, in any case.  Fortunately, I have made damn sure none of them have a current phone number for me otherwise they'd be using that form of misery induction on me.  I'm seriously thinking of cancelling Christmas this year and just hiding in my room.  What have I got to celebrate?  (Yes, I know there are many things I should be thankful for, and am thankful for - just indulge me.)  I can't whip up the motivation to be sociable, partially because it costs money.  There are things I have allocated money to and paid for in advance, but they are few and far between.

Right now, I don't feel like I am living; I am just existing - I have no purpose.