Life, And Other Natural Disasters...

It still affects me.  The tour of "Treasure Island" that Russ was due to be on was in Nottingham until yesterday.  I went to the theatre to pick up copies of the programme for madamemish and myself; there was a tribute, albeit brief, to Russ on the front page.  It brought a swell of emotion up through me and as I walked through the city, I saw Russ's haunts everywhere.  Not bad, for a city that he actually disliked living in for nigh on 20 years. 

But I'm still here and I try to move on; battered and bloodied that I still feel.  I still hurt from not being able to see all the people I'd like to in the US - with the world economy going to hell in a handcart, it becomes depressingly less likely.  I can't cut off completely; there's too much love out there to lose.  I just need someone closer to home - or some minor miracle.  Miracles don't happen, so the other option is the one I have to explore.  Right now, I feel very much aligned with the Doctor - a huge "family" out there but still alone...

There may be changes afoot; I'm trying for a number of opportunities at work which may mean I move again.  Or I may not.  It's in the lap of the gods and my pessimism indicates that I will continue at the same grade, living out of a room in the 'burbs for the foreseeable future.

Or I may not.  That's the joy of the future and the curse of the future.  Nobody knows.

All three major romances in my life have happened unexpectedly.  The close friendship that developed with rock_bear kept me going post utahmtnbear.  And now.  I am alone.  I have no-one that I share the same closeness that I felt with either Clifford or Russ.  I go to local bear meetings but people there are either in relationships or just uninterested in me.  All the interest at the moment seems to be from across the pond.  It might as well be out at the Milky Way.  Hell, even a trip to Manchester might just as well be a trip to Australia, but without the koalas.

I feel quite stuck.  I left the south because I knew I couldn't afford to live there and there would have been too many bad memories staying in Gosport.  Mind you, I had about as much interest from the local bear group there.  But I refuse to change.  To cut my hair and conform to UK Bear Official Standard Buzz Cut And Goatee just isn't me.

Where is my man?

Monday at work: got through the day, a little dopey but okay.  Spent the night in a fever and running to and fro to the toilet.  Phoned in sick and hid under the bedclothes for most of Tuesday.  Back to work Wednesday.

And then there's tomorrow.  The funeral.

There have been moments of selfish blackness when I feel overwhelmed with anger at the universe at the taking of my best friend.  Is this some big cosmic joke?  Because if so, I'm not laughing.  Then the tears come.  Where do I go from here?  What is the next thing to go wrong?

Life, as I hope to live it, is an Awfully Big Adventure.  Highs and, for the moment, lows.  But an adventure I wouldn't miss for all the world.

Here's to us; one more toast and then we'll pay the bill
Deep inside both of us can feel the autumn chill
Birds of passage, you and me
We fly instinctively
When the summers over and the dark clouds hide the sun
Neither you nor I'm to blame when all is said and done

In our lives we have walked some strange and lonely treks
Slightly worn but dignified and not too old for sex
Were still striving for the sky
No taste for humble pie
Thanks for all your generous love and thanks for all the fun
Neither you nor I'm to blame when all is said and done

It's so strange when you're down and lying on the floor
How you rise, shake your head, get up and ask for more
Clear-headed and open-eyed
With nothing left untried
Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
Theres no hurry any more when all is said and done

Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
Theres no hurry any more when all is said and done

I'm sat 5000 miles away and my closest friend in the world has died.  I have gone through the disbelief, the wailing, the anger.  Now, I'm just numb.  The love of many friends has come over the internet and the telephone; if it wasn't for the fact that all the bears I know here have gone off to dinner, I know love would come in that direction too.  There will inevitably be some sort of autopsy/coronors report; I hope I can get back for the funeral, but if I can't, well there are enough people in San Francisco that could hold some sort of a wake.

Goinked from je_smith for the benefit of rock_bear...

rock_bear is currently in Brighton attending the World Beard and Mustache Championships.  Competition is fierce; especially from Team USA but as I write, they should be announcing the results.  I think he's hoping for "Best in Breed...!"

Poor old rock_bear.  Whilst walking to the theatre, he encounters a group of hairy, sweaty, tattoo-ed roadies/bikers setting up for a live concert of some kind.  Apparently, after much polite conversation, window shopping and inhalation of sweaty armpits, it turns out they are setting up for a Christian rock band... C'est la vie...

Did ya miss me?

Have been out and about; went to Manchester on Friday to meet up with a cub I'd been talking to online; it was a good meet and unspeakable deeds were undertaken.  Headed off to Nottingham on Saturday to be met by
madamemish
 who was able to get me into
rock_bear
's apartment, then we headed off to The Lord Roberts for conversation and meeting up with other members of Michelle's entourage (or "the pink" as I believe she refers to them in her journalling.)  Got back into Russ's apartment without fluffing up the security system and fell asleep on the sofa.

Normally when someone comes in late, my brain automatically wakes me up but this time it didn't.  And so, at 7am, I wondered if indeed Russ had got back from the theatre.  I pushed open the door slightly to see a suitably Bear sized mass on the bed.  Demanding tea with menaces.  Spent the best part of the day in town; up at Nottingham Castle watching some local members of The Sealed Knot drilling on the lawn.  The regiment concerned, Robartes, is a regiment that was in the same association as my former regiment.  Indeed, Jaaaaaaaason, who I introduced to the Sealed Knot about 15 years ago, was there with his wife (wife???!!! When did that happen???)  Along with a number of other people who I remember from my days in the seventeenth century.  I am more or less convinced to re-join in the Living History contingent, but I have a feeling that Russ could also being convinced... or was he just trying to seduce the Sergeant of Pike???

So, I'm walking down the high street and I get crapped on by a passing bird.  Great, thinks I, what a great metaphor for how I feel about Life right now.  However, the wierdest was yet to come.  I head up to the town museum where I know there is a decent public toilet to wash off the crap from my jumper and hair.  I did not notice certain ginger furred individuals as I strode purposefully towards the convenience.  I scrubbed out the shit as much as I could, explaining to the amusement of the other person in the room what had happened.  As I finished, rock_bear entered, grabbed my jumper and muttered "I'll put this in the dryer for you" as I'm stood there making goldfish faces and saying to the gent "And as if by magic, a wardrobe master appears!"