Life, And Other Natural Disasters...

One thing that really bugs me about my life is my inability (according to the Driving Standards Agency) to drive a car.  I have proved to their satisfaction that I can drive a motorcycle but not a car.  And this has just been brought into sharp focus this morning as I tried to schedule a delivery from IKEA, which was being made by DHL.  I placed the order last Wednesday for a book case and two CD tower cases.  They advised me their approximate delivery date was Friday 9th. October.  Great, thinks I, I've got the day off anyway.  I had a call yesterday while I was out from DHL to schedule the delivery; unfortunately, I was out all day.  They called again this morning on my cellphone - they can deliver next Tuesday (which I cannot make as I am on training Tuesday through Thursday) but not Friday as it was fully booked.

I am relying on these purchases to help me empty out a few more boxes and start to make the apartment a bit more habitable - less like cardboard city.  It seems that I now have to live like this until October 30th. which is my next day off.  The fact of the matter is, all the boxes hanging around depresses me - I look at them all and think "where the hell am I going to put it all?"  And I am not the best person for motivating myself.  I know that if Russ were alive, he would be, at minimum, giving me Fierce Eyebrows.  And so we add "Missing Russ (still)" to the list of things depressing me at the moment...

But anyways, back to the lack of ability to drive.  I have taken (at last count) seven tests - which probably doesn't seem like much - at various times in my life.  Problem has always been running out of money to continue with the lessons.  And so, it is usually a few years in between attempts.  And in between, the test increases in difficulty - some other thing gets added; last time, it was reversing into a parking space and having to quote basic maintenance.  All very laudible things to undertake but just adding to my frustration.

The worrying thing is I am afraid to try again - I am toying with the idea of going away somewhere and doing an intensive course, but the last time I did that, the instructor shouted at me when I did something daft and as a result, I lost all confidence.  I would love to be able to drive and it seems that it is unacheiveable for me.  Or is it?  Do I try hypnosis?  Do I try a pill?  Am I that desparate?  Or frustrated?

Answers on a postcard, please.

Sat down and watched this movie again after 5 years or so.  Sniffled a bit.  Maybe it's the mood I'm in at the moment - have been clearing space in the apartment ready for next month when I get everything out of storage.  Maybe there will be more tears then when I find more remnants of a past life.  Maybe not.  We shall see.

I have had it with this week.  Icing of the cake was packing up to leave, with a customer sat watching me on the sofa opposite.  I ask her who she is waiting for.  She points at me.  I check my list - as far as I was aware, she was due an hour earlier.  But she is adamant that she was told now.  So, I end up leaving in a foul mood twenty minutes late.  And it's pissing down with rain.

And I get home to a big brown envelope telling me that I had passed the online testing for promotion to the next grade and I have an interview and a presentation to go to on the 26th.

Irony is, I don't think I'm ready for promotion now.  I don't think I will cope at all well in the next grade, so my gut reaction is to say "thanks, but no thanks..."

Not a good day today.  I've been off the Efexor for over two weeks now (came off it gradually with the help of the Doc.)  It's not a case of no longer being depressed; I've sorted out some demons and I'm coping better.  But I get days like today.  Where I just want to collapse in a heap, because it's not working.  I've been trying to find local groups connected with my interests and I have drawn practically a complete blank.  This move was a risk; it's the first time I've moved into a new area without a support network in place.  And I'm feeling it.  Times when I just want someone to talk to face to face and I don't have that here.  I'm not sure what to do next - I could try and develop new interests, but what?  Most things tend to require the exchange of monetary instruments, which are short at the best of times.  

I suppose it will take time, but I am an impatient bugger!

I went to see my new doctor last Thursday about my anti-depressants.  Most of the time that I've been on them, I've been on one 75mg sustained release capsule a day; apart from one brief occasion when I went up to 150mg a day.  I now feel that the time is right to start coming off the medication; mainly because I feel I am coping a lot better than I was a while ago (and partly because the pile of boxes of tablets beside the bed has been getting larger over the years!)  I had spoken to Doctor Chahal at my last practice about coming off the meds last year; he suggested at that time that I should wait until February/March time so that my body could be used to being without the drug by the time September and the shorter nights came along.  So, the regime for the moment is a 37.5 mg tablet in the morning and one at night for 2 weeks, followed by 75 mg (in divided doses) one day, followed by 37.5 mg the next day for 2 weeks, then 37.5 mg a day for two weeks and finally 37.5 mg every alternate day for 2 weeks.

Whether it works, time will tell, but I am hopeful.

I went up to Manchester yesterday to go to Manbears' Prehibearnation.  Checked into my hotel and made my way over to the sauna.  Spent three hours wandering around trying to catch the eye of some men... not a grope, apart from bumping into an acquaintance from Leeds who was doing the rounds.  Moved on to the Outpost for a quick drink with friends then back to the hotel to change.  Then spent three hours wandering around Legends looking moody in a leather waistcoat (one I inherited from Russ).  Met up with people I knew, such as Ady (former msfg on livejournal) and others but despite eyecontact and growling, not a sniff.

It is entirely plausable that my technique requires a little work, but I'm beginning to wonder if I am actually looking in the right places?  I'm not sure that the man I am after spends a lot of time disco bunny-ing until 4 in the morning.  In the UK, there don't seem to be things like "bear coffee" evenings, where you can actually talk to people instead of having to shout while some over amplified techno damages your hearing.

So, in the UK, where is "the right place to look"...?

Much as I cannot vote in the US Presidential Election, I still have an opinion; mainly because American foreign policy has such an impact on the world and on a smaller, more personal, level, the USA is one of the few first world countries not to permit same-sex civil partnerships. Because God says so.

And my opinion is this:  Sarah Palin scares the cr@p out of me.  She represents the God wielding; family obsessed; opinion blinkered fanatic that appear to have a lot of power within the Republican party.  And if in power has the potential to create a new low in American gay rights.  Because God says so.  Now, I am all for families but the family is but one aspect of society.  The couples; the single people...  There appears to be an obsession that if you are not married with kids, then there is something un-American about you.

Or is that something that I have percieved from the media?  Let's get on to specifics.  The story of how she tried to get rid of the librarian in the city of Wasilla because she didn't agree with Palin's desire for censorship.  Speaks volumes to me.

Of course, any opinion expressed is that of someone who does not live in the US (but might quite like to) and still naieve regarding American politics.  So, please take with a liberal dose of Sodium Chloride!

My current bout of depression has not been helped by failing to secure a job (that I know I can do) out of the three interview boards I had recently.  It's an outpouring of the sense of frustration that I feel that I am not communicating to the board members precisely what they want to hear.  Fortunately, there are things I am doing to sort this out.  And I have another couple of applications in the pipeline; one within the same department and another with a different government agency.

There is, of course, an ongoing sense of being in limbo - most of my stuff is in storage still and I still share a house.  I get on with my housemates just great, thankfully, but once you've had your own place, it is so much more difficult to revert to this type of arrangement.  Again, on this, I am working on something.

I just need some forward motion.

Oh, yes and a few hugs would be nice.

So far this week, I have had one rejection letter for my attempts at promotion; two more to go.  Buzz at work today is that the Nottinghamshire boards are out today, so I should hopefully get home to mine.  And, of course, I am expecting another rejection.  I did my best, but I just have the nagging notion I am not telling them what they want to hear.  So, I shall probably wallow in doom and gloom tonight.  After all, why should I get good news?

Edit: Of course I didn't pass the interview board.  Spent 20 mins on the phone to my friend Stuart, wailing and gnashing teeth.