hantsbear: (Cupid)
One thing the ex asked me was "Was there somebody else?"  There wasn't, which disappointed him; I suspect he wanted something concrete to hang the end of the relationship on.  There wasn't for two reasons - one, I couldn't do it to him, two, there was just no way logistically from a village that only had one bus an hour on weekdays and Saturdays; nothing at all on a Sunday.  No way of sneaking out covertly to visit a scarlet gentleman, so to speak ;)

Going forward, I find myself asking all sorts of questions about what I want from a relationship.  I certainly don't want to rush into something, unless my gut feeling tells me it is right.  My gut feeling didn't last time.  Should I go for a relationship where we live separately?  We need to communicate better.  I need to learn to communicate better.  But Mr. Rafferty says it best...
hantsbear: (bjorn)
To celebrate my passing of 47 years on this planet, Best Beloved is taking me on a mystery trip.  All I know is it involves flights and euros.  So, I'm trying to pack for any eventuality (even Finland!) Watch this space or Facebook for updates...!
hantsbear: (men who wear glasses)
I have a love/hate relationship with my specs.  I like the look of them but hate wearing them - most of the frames I had tried up to now had very heavy arms, which irritated the psoriasis on the top of my ears.  I even tried a pince-nez, at the suggestion of [livejournal.com profile] shaggycub .  Unfortunately, they kept falling off.

So, today I unveil the latest pair.  They feel quite light on the ears so, I'm hoping, I should wear the damn things!
hantsbear: (pain)
Taken the plunge again and joined a local gym.  It has the added advantage of a 25m swimming pool, which may convince me to use it more.  It is also on the #87 bus route which is my usual route home, which I hope will make it easier to get into a routine.  Got an induction session tomorrow evening.  Should be interesting...
I need to do something; getting a bit fed up with feeling unfit.  Not even sure I remember how feeling "fit" feels.  Not aiming to become a gym bunny or a muscle Mary.  Just feel physically better, now that things on the emotional front are sorting themselves out.
hantsbear: (evil koala)
So, Friday was my birthday surprise from Best Beloved.  I had no idea where we were going when we started out - heading towards the M6 - that could mean north or south.  We headed north.  Initially.  Oooh, the Lake District or the very south of Scotland thinks I.  Nope.  We turn west on to the M54, then switched to the A5.  "You'll never guess!" he grinned.

Eventually, we got to Porthmadog on the west coast of Wales and he revealed his plans.  Apparently, he had already planned this trip when he asked me where in the UK I wanted still to visit.  And was pleased when I said that this area was one I wanted to explore.  So explore we did.  Okay, so finding an evening meal was a little difficult out of season, and a lot of attractions had that faded winter closure about it, but we explored.  Including a trip to Portmeirion.  Mode of transport was less than conventional...

We spent the rest of the time driving up and down the coast, visiting villages with more than their fair share of consonants in their name.  And, natrually, we had to visit...
hantsbear: (3D Me!)
I often worry...

...but you knew that already...

... that when I meet someone for the first time, I tend to let out a lot of information about myself.  Met a guy in person for the first time today, had a great time.  But still felt I said more than he did.

Still, he wants to meet me again, so I can't have done that bad...!
hantsbear: (quagmire)
There was a new relief security guard in the office today; average size, short grey hair with a bald spot and a goatee.  He came over to me and introduced himself to me, asking if I was a biker.
"Ex-biker", I explained and we discussed bikes and eventually (surprise) the Hairy Bikers.  Later, my colleague (and self appointed Yenta) Amiee sidles over.
"You fancy him."
"I might..." I replied blushing slightly.
"I reckon there's an 82% chance he's gay," she responded.  82%?  Did she sit down with a calculator and work it out???  Anyway, later on in the day, during a subsequent conversation, he utters the "W" word.  I reported this back to Amiee, who was quite surprised.  Mohammed was listening in and snorted "Hah!  That doesn't mean anything!"
hantsbear: (quagmire)
So there's this guy.

He lives about an hours train ride from here and I've been corresponding online with him through Bearciti.  Been trying to sort out a meeting with him for over a month now; but, despite me being free most weekends, it seems not to be the case with him.  Parents seem to crop up as a reason which makes me suspect that he is not out to them.

But I likes the look of him and he of me, so I'm going to persist.
hantsbear: (Life)
A friend has stated to me that I am preventing my own happiness and that I am determined to be miserable whatever the cost.  I am not sure that I agree 100% with that second statement, for this reason: I am a lot happier working for the Department for Work and Pensions than I was working for EDS, especially the last 6 months.  For one thing, I do not suffer from continual stress.  Sure, there are stressful occasions but not the constant pressure of supervising effectively the human equivalent of a battery farm.  Yes, the boss can be an irritating sod at times with some of his quirks but all in all he is, for the most part, considerate and human.

I think the first statement is aimed at my desire for a relationship of some sort.  Sure, I don't expect it to happen over night, but it was commented on a visit to The Fountain in Birmingham (the local bear bar) that I avoid eye contact with people who are interested in me.  Or am completely oblivious of them.  Compare two situations : Fiesta de los Osos - I don't seem to have a problem with eye contact or talking to people, and people talking to me.  Or is there something I'm not aware of?  The last Manbears event I went to - I was virtually ignored all evening, despite trying to make eye contact with people.

Oh well, I am due to meet a guy on Sunday afternoon, so we shall see what happens...
hantsbear: (Where Are We Going?)
I ring the doorbell at precisely five o'clock (no earlier).
The door is opened by my therapist, who says only "Go through", motioning me into her room.  I know to take the furthest chair, as the clock is behind me - a trick I learnt from one of my counselling tutors.
Only when she is sat opposite me, does she start to show interest.
And I tell her of my anger, resentment, pessimism, poor self esteem.
And she empathises, reflects and paraphrases; makes suggestions.
After fifty minutes, she quietly says "Time is up.  Do you want to come the same time next week?"
I agree and fumble in my bag for my appointment slip; meanwhile, she is almost at the door as if trying to get rid of me as soon as possible; her face blank and there is no goodbye as I thank her for the session.
And that's it for another week.
hantsbear: (Southern)
...today I had two BBC researchers visit my house for half an hour.

Watch this space.

Maybe.
hantsbear: (in furson)
I was in a cafe/bar in Wolverhampton yesterday, sat at my table.  Waiting for someone to come over and take my order.  And waiting.  And waiting.  And getting crankier.  Until I realised that you had to order at the bar...

Then I found this cartoon.  Is it me, or is my nose starting to resemble half a black olive...?
 
hantsbear: (passport)
1999 was a peculiarly landmark year in my life.  Two big events and other bits of drama.

1.  I finally left the closet.
2.  My mother died.

The other drama - My dad's 60th birthday, at which few knew what my mother was going through, including my sister and myself.  The arrival of my first niece.  Having to cut off two supposed friends for being unable to let me grieve.  And my first boyfriend.

In some ways, I am hoping 2009 not to be so dramatic.  Although some drama "in a good way" would be nice...
hantsbear: (Bjorn Inn Vaeni)
I am not, what you might call, a fashion icon.  I am a jeans and shirt type man; just sort of throwing whatever comes to hand on.  However, I was pondering this morning - alternatives.

And so, gentle LiveJournal reader, I ask you the question - What would I look good wearing?

P.S. Birthday suit, whilst flattering, will not be considered an answer!!!
hantsbear: (I Have A Question...)
For some reason, I am listening to a lot of Goldfrapp at the moment.  Alison Goldfrapp cites as one of her major influences as being John Barry and there is a lot of evidence of this on the albums Felt Mountain and Seventh Tree in particular, with some tracks having a somewhat cinematic theme to them.  And so, hantsbear asks a question:-

What is the soundtrack to your life?

hantsbear: (Default)
As I walk home from work, I look at the people in the traffic in their cars, all seemingly successful (well, they can all drive; one thing I can't do) and wonder about how much better their lives are.  But are they?  For all I know they could be on the way home to an abusive partner; to kids they can't control; to a dying relative; to liver and bacon again s/he knows how much I hate that...

And I realise that I only think they are better off than me.  I don't know what their life is like.  Yes, I think my life is a mess right now and it's going to take a long, long time to get back to where I was.  Or so it seems.  I don't know - hell, we could all be consumed by a black hole on Wednesday.

I also have this vague sense of un-tapped potential within me.  Potential for what, I have absolutely no idea; it is too heavily squashed underneath several tonnes of emotional baggage, but it's there somewhere.  What could it possibly achieve if allowed to fly free?

hantsbear: (I Have A Question...)
Now that Obama has declared himself in opposition to the concept of the gay marriage (though his thoughts on civil unions or rights for same sex partnerships are unknown to me) and it goes without saying that Mccain will be against (really, can you envisage voting for a man named after a brand of frozen french fries???), I have, as [personal profile] shelbycub would say, a question.  Or maybe a few questions.

Is Obama merely pandering to the Christian Fundamentalists with this to get their votes or is he a hypocrite?
What would it take to change the mind of Americans?  Is it time for action on the scale of the sixties?

I open the floor to you all, as they say...

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