Life, And Other Natural Disasters...

And so today dawns on my last day in this house.  In a few hours, the remaining contents will go into store, then tomorrow I head up to Nottingham to begin A New Chapter.  Sad?  A little.  Excited?  Yes.  Scared?  You bet your sweet hiney. 

One result of the move is that I might not be online as often as I used to be for a while.  But things should get better from now.

Shouldn't they?

Back to normal it seems, after a reasonable weekend.  Realtor rings up today with feedback from viewers, who are muttering things about the amount of work needed on the property; which means I may have to lower the asking price.  And then take a low offer.

My brain is starting to think stupid thoughts about commiting murder and getting locked up so that nobody has to worry about me again.  I should add, I'm too much of a coward to follow through with that thought...

As I write this, somewhere in the USA, a life support machine has been switched off.  Or it might not have done.  The prognosis for the person concerned in any case is not good.  Most likely unable ever to speak again; paralysed down one side if he's lucky.  The fact of the matter is, I have never physically met the guy.  Only ever spoken to him online and now I'll never get to meet him.  I guess the last time I felt like this was when I heard about Goody (theatrebear) passing on.  Whatever happens, I wish Wes free of pain.

*HUGS*

I have been somewhat remiss in not writing about the really big impending event that is rapidly approaching in my life; The Big Move.  Basically, since I still don't have a job and I'm not going to be able to fund the payments on my mortgage much longer, I'm going to sell up, putting all my stuff into store.  Having spoken to rock_bear, I am hoping to use his apartment for a month or two while I look for lower paid temp work in Nottingham.  Then hopefully, I should be in a position to get a place up there and move up all my stuff.

That's the plan in any case.  Although, I am still waiting to hear back on jobs in Cardiff and Lancaster; I also have an interview in Stafford on Thursday.

So, watch this space, as they say...

Terror Ratings For All US Travellers
Millions Assigned Terror Risk Score On Trips To US

So ordering a halal meal is a big no-no then...?

"You should put how you feel in your LiveJournal" (or words to that effect) said rock_bear.
"But I don't want to sound like a whine-y bitch" I replied.
"Everyone else does" came the reply.

Yeah, life isn't sunshine and roses at the moment.  I went to the doc's this morning and was signed off work again for a week, and a wad of prescriptions to be filled.  I still daren't  move too far away from the nearest lavatory, and my mood swings from crappy to sickly-cheerful to Eeyore-gloomy.  I still haven't come to a decision on my escape plan - possibly because I don't want to be criticised for doing something in haste.  There are some possible bright spots if I can get my a*se off the toilet seat... which remains to be seen.

Meanwhile, I'm going to complete my application to join "The Joan Crawford School of Eyebrow Method Acting" (Principal : rock_bear)  

Urf. I am definitely wrestling with my demons at the moment. This is not helped by the fact that I am currently having to apply for my own job, and found out that there are at least 2 other people who have applied. I get interviewed on Monday, but Nasty Suspicious Little Mind wonders if there is a hidden agenda to replace me with someone a) cheaper, b) less bohemian and c) a corporate clone. And of course the confidence (or rather lack of it) is taking a battering as well. I don't particularly want to get the Effexor upped at the moment; to be honest, I'd like to set myself a target of weaning myself off it by the end of 2006. Frankly, I'd settle for my demons to appear in physical form so that I can set a flame thrower to them...

I don't know what sparked this off, but walking home tonight I became more and more gloomy about my whole situation. Now, realistically, I know that there are millions out there in a similar, even worse position, but when one feels as gloomy as this, it feels like you are the only one on the planet feeling like this.

The big black cloud feels something like this: My life will get a lot worse before it deserves to get better. Don't ask me why, but it just feels like it sometimes. And this is precisely the sort of thing that has a nasty habit of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. A bit like my attempts at taking a Driving Test. I feel I might as well say to the examiner "You might as well fail me now, as I am bound to do something monumentally stupid during the test worthy of an instant fail."

And then there is the yearning desire to settle down with someone. Except my heart has this nasty habit of falling head-over-heels with men thousands of miles away in a country that at the moment feels like it will be 100 years before same sex marriage/partnerships are universally accepted thanks to the grip of ultra-conservative Christianity on the government.

I want so desperately to be happy, or at least content, but so much seems to be out of my hands; whether it be because of decisions made years ago when I felt I was not empowered to make any decision other than that which pleased my father. I still feel that hand on my shoulder now, and for Christ's sake I'm very nearly 40. That hand should have gone years ago. And yet it's still there. Stopping me from stripping my life back down to the absolute bear essentials, lest I be seen as a failure.

If this is what I'm like when I've got 75mg of Effexor whizzing around my brain, heaven only knows what I'd be like without it!!!

And so, on Saturday, rock_bear  and I head up into deepest, darkest Sussex to Horsham to the wedding of a friend of mine of some 20 years standing...

( clicky, clicky... )

"The Sound of Music"
Dalek Mother Superior : "HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROB-LEM LIKE MAR-I-A?"
Dalek Chorus : "EX-TER-MIN-ATE HER!"

rock_bear, what have you started?