You didn't ask me (you may well not remember me! We met at Fiesta last January), but I hope you won't mind if I post my thoughts here.
I agree that your sister and father probably think they mean well, but I believe they are acting primarily out of ignorance. I think they're being unnecessarily overcautious and rather more than a bit selfish. There's no reason why your being at the wedding with Russ should attract undue attention from anyone or detract from the specialness of the day for the bride and groom. This is 2004, after all. Those who cannot handle the existence of gay men generally simply don't see them in this sort of social situation. They see friends, or roommates, or whatever it is their mind wishes them to see, and they tend not to question the matter or the individuals involved. Certainly they seldom make any kind of a scene, lest their suspicions (if there be any) prove incorrect. I imagine your cousin's invitees are well-behaved individuals who will each and all fit into one of these categories:
Don't have a problem with gay men, therefore won't have a problem with you and Russ
Don't see you and Russ as a pair of gay men, just as a pair of men, and think nothing more of it
Have their suspicions but keep them to themselves
I'd point this out logically to your father and sister—after all, if any of the guests is uncouth enough to make a scene, the problem will be on account of their bad behaviour, and not yours or Russ'. Perhaps instead of putting so much thought into breaking the news of a half-invitation to one of their own family (you), they should review the list of their other guests and exclude or have a preëmptive chat with any who may make a problem.
That said: If anyone had tried to pull this kind of phony "family diplomacy" with me regarding a family event, I would first take the time to explain how and why their anxiety was caused not by me or mine but by them or theirs, and then decline the invitation.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2004-06-21 04:09 pm (UTC)I agree that your sister and father probably think they mean well, but I believe they are acting primarily out of ignorance. I think they're being unnecessarily overcautious and rather more than a bit selfish. There's no reason why your being at the wedding with Russ should attract undue attention from anyone or detract from the specialness of the day for the bride and groom. This is 2004, after all. Those who cannot handle the existence of gay men generally simply don't see them in this sort of social situation. They see friends, or roommates, or whatever it is their mind wishes them to see, and they tend not to question the matter or the individuals involved. Certainly they seldom make any kind of a scene, lest their suspicions (if there be any) prove incorrect. I imagine your cousin's invitees are well-behaved individuals who will each and all fit into one of these categories:
I'd point this out logically to your father and sister—after all, if any of the guests is uncouth enough to make a scene, the problem will be on account of their bad behaviour, and not yours or Russ'. Perhaps instead of putting so much thought into breaking the news of a half-invitation to one of their own family (you), they should review the list of their other guests and exclude or have a preëmptive chat with any who may make a problem.
That said: If anyone had tried to pull this kind of phony "family diplomacy" with me regarding a family event, I would first take the time to explain how and why their anxiety was caused not by me or mine but by them or theirs, and then decline the invitation.