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The Invisible Bear...
Oct. 23rd, 2002 08:33 pmI think I'm in a bit of a maelstrom this evening. My therapist suggested that I write down what's going on for me after thie evening's session - so, here I am in a pub near the Guildhall in Portsmouth, with a double vodka and orange (no, I don't intend getting blitzed), and a pen and paper, trying not to be distracted by a particulary woofy member of the bar staff...!!
Where to begin - It seemed we focussed on a particularly hurtful period of my life about twenty years ago, while I was attempting further/higher education, from 1982 to 1986. I was persuaded to take A levels in Chemistry, Mathematics and Biology - despite my O levels in these subjects being average (about 45-55% marking). I hadn't chosen these subjects because I enjoyed these subjects, but because my dear father had told me "Take sciences - you'll get a job with sciences..."!!! And of course, I did everything that daddy told me to do. Big mistake. The next 3 years at school and college proved to be quite a depressing exercise in futility; it becoming piercing clear that I WAS NO DAMN GOOD IN THESE SUBJECTS AT ADVANCED LEVEL!!! This became clear after the first set of examinations, and I was told by my father that I would have to spend a minimum of 3 hours an evening and all day Sunday studying. After 2 years, I took the examinations and failed all three subjects. Did this make anything clear? Nope. My father signed me up for another resit year at the local technical college. Did I think I was living my life here? Nope. I was an attempt at re-running my father's life, and had failed to live up to his expectations. And I must be punished. Or that's how it felt. My therapist proposed that somehow I had become invisible to my father.
After another year, I managed to scrape a grade 'E' pass in Biology, out of the three subjects taken, and then went on to polytechnic in London to take a diploma in Applied Biology. Which after a year, I had to leave, having failed in 50% of the subjects taken. Punished for not being the perfect son?
And then, when defeat was finally admitted and I slunk back into the parental home to find gainful employment, he still has to find an area of my life to take control of. "Your mother is worried..." would be the stock phrase. Privately, I felt my mother was more than able to express her own opinions. Slowly, I planned my escape. Information Technology would be that escape out of the house.
Don't get me wrong; I love the old bugger - I'd be a wreck if I had a phone call tomorrow saying he'd died. But I can't deny the hurt.
Where to begin - It seemed we focussed on a particularly hurtful period of my life about twenty years ago, while I was attempting further/higher education, from 1982 to 1986. I was persuaded to take A levels in Chemistry, Mathematics and Biology - despite my O levels in these subjects being average (about 45-55% marking). I hadn't chosen these subjects because I enjoyed these subjects, but because my dear father had told me "Take sciences - you'll get a job with sciences..."!!! And of course, I did everything that daddy told me to do. Big mistake. The next 3 years at school and college proved to be quite a depressing exercise in futility; it becoming piercing clear that I WAS NO DAMN GOOD IN THESE SUBJECTS AT ADVANCED LEVEL!!! This became clear after the first set of examinations, and I was told by my father that I would have to spend a minimum of 3 hours an evening and all day Sunday studying. After 2 years, I took the examinations and failed all three subjects. Did this make anything clear? Nope. My father signed me up for another resit year at the local technical college. Did I think I was living my life here? Nope. I was an attempt at re-running my father's life, and had failed to live up to his expectations. And I must be punished. Or that's how it felt. My therapist proposed that somehow I had become invisible to my father.
After another year, I managed to scrape a grade 'E' pass in Biology, out of the three subjects taken, and then went on to polytechnic in London to take a diploma in Applied Biology. Which after a year, I had to leave, having failed in 50% of the subjects taken. Punished for not being the perfect son?
And then, when defeat was finally admitted and I slunk back into the parental home to find gainful employment, he still has to find an area of my life to take control of. "Your mother is worried..." would be the stock phrase. Privately, I felt my mother was more than able to express her own opinions. Slowly, I planned my escape. Information Technology would be that escape out of the house.
Don't get me wrong; I love the old bugger - I'd be a wreck if I had a phone call tomorrow saying he'd died. But I can't deny the hurt.
