hantsbear: (Land of the Free...?)
I am at a loss.  I just don't get it.  And I certainly want 2016 to be over.  What has happened to the UK and the US?  I certainly don't understand my own country any more and as for trying to understand our larger neighbour to the west, which I thought I was starting to...

The Trump talks of reconcilliation, whilst appointing a whole stream of right wing nutjobs into seemingly powerful positions, and pouting and posturing when someone has the audacity to call his running mate on his ultra white christian, gay hating beliefs.  I thought it was done with love and respect but the perma-tanned ferret thinks otherwise.

I hear conflicting stories as to what the new administration can/can't to to the hard fought LGBT* rights brought in by President Obama.  Could the USA even go as far as some Middle Eastern countries and introduce a gay test at the borders?  Yes, it sounds ridiculous but frankly, I wouldn't put it past someone like Mike Pence.

I just don't know what to think any more.
hantsbear: (perkele)
I am disappointed in 17,410,742 of my fellow countrymen.  They favoured economic suicide "because we've managed before, we've managed again".  Forgetting that 40 years have passed and the world is a completely different place.  Forgetting that unity is strength.  Thinking "ooh there's too many of Johnny Foreigner in our country" only to be told post vote that the Leave campaigners have no solution to the immigration crisis.  Both major political parties are falling to pieces at a time when we need to be decisive.  And I'm stuck here with a nay-sayer who still thinks, despite everything, we will be better off out of the EU.

Seriously considering running away to Sweden and hiding in my sister's sommarhuset.  In any case, am watching developments in Scotland very closely.
hantsbear: (Seriously Pi**ed Off...)
The black dog continues.  Several times this week, I have felt like crying for no particular reason apart from the hopelessness of it all.  Today, I just feel like hiding from everything as I cannot seem to derive much joy.  I feel like everything I touch turns to failure.

I think I need to seek out more counselling.
hantsbear: (happy pills)
Oh boy, is the black dog kicking my butt at the moment.  Work is well, just hell.  Constant change that has to be implemented NOW.  And you have to be doing it perfectly NOW.  And we need these reports from you to back it up NOW OR ELSE.  Added to the fact that I have been effectively written up for something purely subjective; something I had had no complaints about until this last year after 8 years in the organisation.

I cannot see a positive outcome.  I am applying for other jobs but I am not getting even an interview.  I tried for an internal post for a department that was apparently crying out for staff.  Nothing.

All my fight  has gone.  I have stopped discussing it at home because His Lordship gets wound up and keeps telling me I should do this and I should do that, but I feel it would have no impact on anything.
hantsbear: (In The Park)

Noel first met Lucy when he was 12, she would have been 13 and they were both at school.  They both lived in a market town in Staffordshire on the edge of Cannock Chase.  It was another 3 years, when Noel was 16 and went to pump air into the local church organ, that he met Lucy again.  She was the church organist.  He asked her to take a walk along the canal with him but, initially, she declined.  Her parents were strict and always wanted her home by a certain time.  Eventually, she agreed but she told her parents that she was visiting neighbours.  As they walked along the canal, a man greeted Lucy as they walked and after they passed, Lucy confided in Noel that she thought she would be in trouble, as he was the neighbour she was supposed to have been visiting.  Later, when Noel and Lucy were officially "an item" (or what ever you would call it in 1930's Britain), the neighbours wife commented on the couple.  The husband mentioned that he had seen them along the canal some months previously.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"You would have gone straight round and told her parents!"
They married in 1942 and had five children - David, Christine (my mother), Elizabeth, Noel and Philip.  From them came eight grandchildren and ten great grandchildren.
Last year, one evening Lucy said to Noel "I have always loved you."  They had been married for 73 years.  Lucy died last August and Noel passed just over a week ago.
And a chapter of our family's lives closed.  More chapters will be written.
hantsbear: (Feel My Koala-y Wrath!)
There are times, and it has been happening a lot lately, when I come home from work and I wonder "What on earth have I done to deserve such punishment?"
hantsbear: (Tea (nicked from who knows where!!!))

Remembering Greg ([livejournal.com profile] beastbriskett ) today on his birthday...
hantsbear: (perkele)
Three years ago, I was in Tucson - I think it was a Thursday; various parties were being organised to local restaurants for the early arrivers at Fiesta de los Osos.  It must have been about 6pm - I had gone back to my hotel room for whatever reason and  I checked my computer and found a message from [livejournal.com profile] madamemish to contact her as soon as possible.  The transatlantic phone call that followed started something like this:-

"Mish?"
"He's gone." (sob)
"What?  Who...?"
"Russ.  He's dead."  There was a pause.  Then I howled.

The circumstances have been documented elsewhere, but at that moment in time I felt disconnected; hit by the full force of the distance between here and there.  There was only one thing I could do under that circumstance; I rang my father.  I needed the familiar.

I must have been in my room quite a while; when I re-emerged, I remember the first person to see me was [livejournal.com profile] shelbycub .  I'm not sure whether I just hugged him or blurted out what had happened.

Fast forward three years; it still hurts.  Which is good in it's own way.  Have asked Steve to take me to the grave the weekend after next.  I'll be a mess, but I think I need to be a mess.
hantsbear: (Will Talk For Food...)
...and the answer seems to be an overwhelming "Erm..."  The Conservatives have the most seats, but not enough for a majority.  Labour could possibly form a coalition with the Liberal Democrats, but the Liberal Democrats don't want anything to do with Gordon Brown, the current PM.  And the Green party finally got their first MP.

At the moment, the Liberal Democrats are talking to the Conservative party, which makes for uncomfortable bedfellows, since the Conservative party is against reforming the voting system and intend making radical cuts to the national budget, not spending on public services.

And we all know how much I love the Conservative party...  hah!
hantsbear: (that's mister cranky koala to you)
hantsbear: (Don't F*ck With Me!)
One thing that really bugs me about my life is my inability (according to the Driving Standards Agency) to drive a car.  I have proved to their satisfaction that I can drive a motorcycle but not a car.  And this has just been brought into sharp focus this morning as I tried to schedule a delivery from IKEA, which was being made by DHL.  I placed the order last Wednesday for a book case and two CD tower cases.  They advised me their approximate delivery date was Friday 9th. October.  Great, thinks I, I've got the day off anyway.  I had a call yesterday while I was out from DHL to schedule the delivery; unfortunately, I was out all day.  They called again this morning on my cellphone - they can deliver next Tuesday (which I cannot make as I am on training Tuesday through Thursday) but not Friday as it was fully booked.

I am relying on these purchases to help me empty out a few more boxes and start to make the apartment a bit more habitable - less like cardboard city.  It seems that I now have to live like this until October 30th. which is my next day off.  The fact of the matter is, all the boxes hanging around depresses me - I look at them all and think "where the hell am I going to put it all?"  And I am not the best person for motivating myself.  I know that if Russ were alive, he would be, at minimum, giving me Fierce Eyebrows.  And so we add "Missing Russ (still)" to the list of things depressing me at the moment...

But anyways, back to the lack of ability to drive.  I have taken (at last count) seven tests - which probably doesn't seem like much - at various times in my life.  Problem has always been running out of money to continue with the lessons.  And so, it is usually a few years in between attempts.  And in between, the test increases in difficulty - some other thing gets added; last time, it was reversing into a parking space and having to quote basic maintenance.  All very laudible things to undertake but just adding to my frustration.

The worrying thing is I am afraid to try again - I am toying with the idea of going away somewhere and doing an intensive course, but the last time I did that, the instructor shouted at me when I did something daft and as a result, I lost all confidence.  I would love to be able to drive and it seems that it is unacheiveable for me.  Or is it?  Do I try hypnosis?  Do I try a pill?  Am I that desparate?  Or frustrated?

Answers on a postcard, please.
hantsbear: (flower bear)
I feel a bit like I'm sleepwalking through life at the moment.  No sense of sniffing the flowers along the way.  Sure, I'm doing stuff, going out, seeing people, but I still want that bit more.  It's just that that bit more is now so much more out of my grasp, so it seems.

On the plus side, September 21st. sees me going down to the lock-up in Portsmouth; opening up and letting the removal men in.  And September 22nd. I will be re-united with all the stuff I've missed these last 2 1/2 years.  And going through boxes and throwing stuff out/selling stuff on e-bay.
hantsbear: (Ack)
I checked the messages on my cellphone about a half hour ago.  There was a message from my bank - that can only mean trouble, I thought.  I checked my statement on line and found somehow I was overdrawn by £6.35.  This probably will incur a charge by my bank of £28.00 as an unauthorised borrowing, unless I try some serious grovelling tomorrow.

I have found out what caused the error, and transferred money over to cover the error and another bill due next week, but it's still one massive knee to the groin.

I feel sick.
hantsbear: (Will Talk For Food...)
Sat down and watched this movie again after 5 years or so.  Sniffled a bit.  Maybe it's the mood I'm in at the moment - have been clearing space in the apartment ready for next month when I get everything out of storage.  Maybe there will be more tears then when I find more remnants of a past life.  Maybe not.  We shall see.

Sniffle...

Jul. 17th, 2009 12:10 pm
hantsbear: (that's mister cranky koala to you)
It's been ten years today and I still miss my mum.
hantsbear: (that's mister cranky koala to you)
Clifford, it has been over two years since someone else filled my shoes.  Please don't worry; I am no way bitter about it.  In fact, I am glad you found someone in the same state as you rather than someone a continent away.  But I still can't help looking into you eyes in photographs and mushing up.  We still have a good friendship and I don't want to give it up.  I suppose somehow I need to find a way of moving on...



...I'm just not sure how.



hantsbear: (I want to speak to my agent...)
I have had it with this week.  Icing of the cake was packing up to leave, with a customer sat watching me on the sofa opposite.  I ask her who she is waiting for.  She points at me.  I check my list - as far as I was aware, she was due an hour earlier.  But she is adamant that she was told now.  So, I end up leaving in a foul mood twenty minutes late.  And it's pissing down with rain.

And I get home to a big brown envelope telling me that I had passed the online testing for promotion to the next grade and I have an interview and a presentation to go to on the 26th.

Irony is, I don't think I'm ready for promotion now.  I don't think I will cope at all well in the next grade, so my gut reaction is to say "thanks, but no thanks..."
hantsbear: (that's mister cranky koala to you)
Those who know me well, know that underneath the bearish exterior, the inner koala just wants to be loved and hugged.  And so it is this evening as I eat a bowl of Apple Pie and Ice Cream.  And sniffing back the tears.  And wanting me mam.

It's OK; I have just had a crappy day at work and am not sleeping properly for reasons that I cannot fathom and probably should have a chat with the doctor about.
hantsbear: (happy pills)
Not a good day today.  I've been off the Efexor for over two weeks now (came off it gradually with the help of the Doc.)  It's not a case of no longer being depressed; I've sorted out some demons and I'm coping better.  But I get days like today.  Where I just want to collapse in a heap, because it's not working.  I've been trying to find local groups connected with my interests and I have drawn practically a complete blank.  This move was a risk; it's the first time I've moved into a new area without a support network in place.  And I'm feeling it.  Times when I just want someone to talk to face to face and I don't have that here.  I'm not sure what to do next - I could try and develop new interests, but what?  Most things tend to require the exchange of monetary instruments, which are short at the best of times.  

I suppose it will take time, but I am an impatient bugger!

hantsbear: (that's mister cranky koala to you)
For 2 reasons:-

1. It is a year since [livejournal.com profile] rock_bear  died.

2. I should be in Tucson.




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