hantsbear: (Fierce eyebrows...)
I have made myself feel a fool again.  Thought a (once) close friendship counted for something.  Clearly I was very wrong.  I have virtually been told, without a word being spoken, to f*ck off and never darken a particular doorstep again.

Which I will do.  I will have nothing further to do with that person.  I will erase all trace of that person from my life. 

Thank you for making a complete fool of me, Peter.
hantsbear: (The End)
I am not very good at taking hints.  I will willingly admit to that.  I am trying to understand a response to an attempt to a friending on MySpace.  I have tried again with a message.

I may have to sod off and never darken this person's door again.  I seem to have this effect on people, and I don't know why.
hantsbear: (Life)
A phone conversation leads to information about someone I was very close to a while ago.  Seems things are no longer working out.  I've let him know that I am here if he needs me... although I'm not sure whether he knows where "here" is...

Awaiting developments...


Apr. 15th, 2007 02:12 pm
hantsbear: (AAAARGH!)
It is very rare that I swear at complete strangers.  And a complete stranger named Ian has just had me utter "What the f*@£ are you doing here???" at him.  For the simple reason that he looks like the dead spit of (name deleted)...
hantsbear: (flower bear)
So it ends.
It was (name deleted)'s last day at work today; he came round last night for dinner, and I gave him some parting gifts and a farewell hug. They had a presentation at work for him - I know for a fact he didn't want one, and I wasn't surprised to see him try and escape for a cigarette at 11am. He was hauled back into the office by Carole. He responded to the plaudits offered to him by starting "I'd like to say I've enjoyed it here but..." And didn't finish. I know there were a few home truths he wanted to tell a few people, but for once in his life, discretion was the better part of valour.
I know for a fact there will be one or two muttering "Thank heavens he's gone!" under their breath. Their loss.
And now he's gone, and I'm not sure how I feel. Two years ago, I would have probably been a complete mess, but now...
I'm not sure.
hantsbear: (Solar)

Did it ever drag this morning.  I slept like a log last night, and yet, not only could I hardly keep my eyes open, neither could the rest of the office.

The weekend was a blast; Sunday morning a bit mushy for one reason and another.  That and the sight of myself and  [livejournal.com profile] rock_bear singing Joyce Grenfell songs at the top of our respective lungs.  I'm sure people would pay good money etcetera, etcetera.

And tomorrow... the last supper?  (name deleted) comes over for one last meal before he heads off to East Anglia and impending parenthood.  Prepare for more mush...

hantsbear: (that's mister cranky koala to you)

Today is not a good day.  It didn't help I spent half of the night with my head hovering near the toilet.  So, I phoned into work sick and lay listening to Radio 4 for most of the morning.  Felt well enough for some soup at lunchtime.

Spent the afternoon feeling quite miserable.  I don't know whether it was the lack of sleep, or the conversation with my sister on the phone last night where she expressed the opinion that I should not bring [livejournal.com profile] rock_bear to my cousin's wedding next month.  As usual, she made me feel quite inadequate.  It's a knack of hers.   Or maybe I was making myself feel inadequate.  I just don't know.  All I know is I spent the afternoon feeling a little tear-y and listening to Agnetha  Fältskog albums.

I'm not sure whether it may even have been caused by the realisation that (name deleted) is leaving work and moving to East Anglia at the end of the month.  I started feeling very alone.

Maybe it is time to see the doctor for some good old antidepressants... 

hantsbear: (Default)
(name deleted) came into my office today with a query. After I dealt with it, we got talking about things, like the arrival in June/July of The Spawn Of Satan (yes, he's been passing on his genetic information - silly boy!!) He made a comment to the effect that he didn't really care about his family at the moment as they were behaving very strangely towards him.

I said nothing.

See, I know what will happen the moment something happens to a member of his family. The mask will crack; the "not-caring" will prove to be a facade.

But then, I should know better than to use words like "will" where (name deleted) is concerned.
hantsbear: (Default)
So, I had an interview for the Help Desk Manager job today. Grabbed my tie from the furthest reaches of my desk drawer (note: (name deleted) had turned in for same interview wearing a two piece suit - draw your own conclusions). I'm pretty sure I gave all the right answers, but I'm pretty sure my nervousness showed... I'm not really hopeful, but we will see.

Other developments move on...
hantsbear: (Default)
Heatwave ending gradually.
Slowly coming down from self basting, to merely glowing.
(name deleted) is seriously afflicted by that Luuuurve Thang, in so far as he hasn't been cruel to me for 5 days. And has been pleasant to koalas.
Resumés put in for two possible internal transfers.
Movement is occurring.
Movement is good.
hantsbear: (Default)
Spent yesterday with Russ in London; trying to sort each other out. We went to Madame Tussauds and the V&A, and lunched in Covent Garden, drinking Pimms and Lemonade, don't y'know! I was trying to persuade him to take a holiday; he'd been talking about San Francisco, but had managed to talk himself out of it. I worked on him a little longer (yes, Douglas, I did suggest he took a detour to Portland... ;-{))} ). We shall see...

We adjourned to the King's Arms and were both approached by a young bear who seemed to know Russ, and proceeded to ask some quite direct questions. Russ was getting a little growl-y so we moved outside, only to be followed a few minutes later. Eventually, we made our excuses and I headed back to Gosport.

Today was hellish; it really dragged. The only saving grace was I had a perfectly civilised conversation with (name deleted) about the history of the British Isles. Otherwise, there was bugger all to do.

Finally managed to get to see physician to get a referral to a consultant psychiatrist. Watch this space...


Apr. 29th, 2003 06:28 pm
hantsbear: (Default)
I think I am moving ever forward.
I had a conversation with (name deleted) at lunchtime today; in the middle of the office - anyone could hear us. Not that it mattered. Of course, he had never thought there was a problem in our relationship, but played along with my self-flagellation (is that spelt correctly?) over the last few months. He reminded me that he wouldn't have worked on the kitchen if he hadn't wanted to. He told me that he wasn't aware that I wasn't speaking to him while we were in Ireland until four days into the vacation. I explained that I hadn't dared to speak to him in case I got my head bitten off. And that I had realised afterwards that I had come to the conclusion that If (name deleted) Is Reading A Book, Hellfire, Pestilence, Flood Will Not Stir Him From That Book. Know what I mean?
I could have hugged him. I probably will yet. If I haven't said it before (and I probably have) I am so lucky to have someone like him as a friend. Even if he is an absolute bastard at times...!
hantsbear: (Default)
Really, I was doing ok until I left (name deleted) on the bus, opened the front door, picked up the mail from the last week and put down my suitcase.
Then the tears hit me.
I had just returned from spending the weekend in Portland, OR with a very dear friend of mine, who I have known nigh on 4 years but never met in person; spoken to on the phone many times...
And I got to meet him in person this weekend. What was a friendship got a whole lot closer. We spent a lot of quality time together, talking, walking, exploring, touring and getting to know each other a hell of a lot better.
I left Portland at about ten to three yesterday; I wanted to stay. Especially as I waved to him for the last time as (name deleted) and I disappeared to the gate.
I knew it wouldn't be easy that morning when we were in the hotel room, and my eyes started to prickle then.
It's not a case of goodbye; more au revoir...
hantsbear: (the sign of the smug marsupial)
Well, yesterday, (name deleted) threw me by giving me my belated Christmas present, which had been in the bottom of his rucksack for the last week or so, with the words "Thought I'd better give you this in case you really throught I don't love you any more!"
Went into HMV today; chatting to Beaker, when he drops into the conversation he has a wife...
Optimist : Wife, or husbear? Or maybe bi...?
Pessimist : I think I'll cry into my beer now, if you don't mind...!
Rocky Horror was an absolute blast; the understudies performing Magenta and Columbia were damn good; the black satin boxer shorts weren't needed; Frank-n-Furter was amazing and Christine Hamilton was an inspired choice of Narrator - she really commanded the stage.
hantsbear: (bjorn)
So Christmas and New Year is over... it was in someways an ordeal. Unfinished business is still unfinished business. Growl.
Spent New Year hardly talking to (name deleted) because he snapped at me for what I felt was no good reason. This may sound childish; the reasoning was if I don't say anything, I can't say anything that he might bite my head off for.
Scenery was fantastic; guinness went down well.
Now trying to create a written diary - have managed most days so far, but it's early days yet.
Need to get my breath back...
hantsbear: (Default)
Once again, the voice inside wins. A program that I've been working on that's due to go live tomorrow failed testing. And of course I start mentally beating myself to a pulp, telling myself that I'm a crap programmer; why haven't I been sacked yet; why can't I learn from my mistakes etc. etc.

All this despite the fact that Carole and (name deleted) are telling me otherwise, but no, I have to go and get upset. I know what the problem is. I'm angry with myself. I feel that, despite the fact that it is impossible, I should be perfect; I should be so careless after 12 years in this profession.

But I never chose this profession. As I have said before, I fell into this line of work. And I can't afford to give it up.
hantsbear: (Woof)
So John, (name deleted) and myself decided to take a trip across La Manche to the land of garlic, cheese, Cognac and serious gastronomy. Caught the ferry, having got up at a godawful hour to place coffee into a bleary-eyed (name deleted)'s paw and push him into the shower. Ate exceptionally well on the ferry. Got to the hotel, sorted ourselves out and went for a walk, checking out restaurant menus as we walked, and ended up at the beach eating huge ice creams. Went back to hotel. Had siesta. Walked to chosed restaurant and dined regally, and were treated with the greatest of courtesy, since we were speaking French, unlike a lot of the other Brits in the restaurant. Waddled back to the hotel where (name deleted) and John had a nightcap, and I went to bed.
Sunday, got up, had a bath, woke up John and (name deleted) and trooped down for petit-dejeuner. Took another walk around town; checked out of the hotel, and took another walk to the beach before heading off to the ferry back to Portsmouth. Got on the ferry; cocked up our cabin reservation, by occupying the cabin of a rather sour-faced couple who didn't understand the concept of a sincere apology by mistake, thus throwing me into a hissy-fit. Bought lots of chocolate. Ate well on the (crowded) boat again. Staggered through the front door.
After all that gastronomy, started at the gym tonight. I think I'm going to suffer for it in the morning. Oh well...
hantsbear: (Default)
One thing that came out of last nights session with my therapist was that I experience what I call "Toy Koala Syndrome". Let me explain - I feel that I go into meeting any new people with an air of "Here I am, love me...!" The same sort of air generated by a toy koala. In some circumstances, like for example, the presentations I make of our system, this is not helpful. And I don't handle rejection so good.
The other thing that came out of last night's session was an affirmation of my relationship with (name deleted), which was only enhanced further again today when he took me for a walk around the moat to talk to me about my recent bout of krankiness. Then he gave me a hug.
'Nuff said.


hantsbear: (Default)

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