hantsbear: (God Jul!)
Seems like ages since I posted anything of merit; I suppose it's because at the moment there is little positive to report on the move front, although found out in the last 3 days at work there is a recruitment in the pipeline which gives the possibility of a move, if I jump through all the right hoops, which seems how all moves will be managed from now on...

But enough of this.  Just returned with t'other half from visiting Dearly Beloved Aged Parent in the West Country over Christmas, returning with presents and vittles.  Stopped off on the way back to meet up with some old friends from back in my re-enacting days, stirring up a few memories there!

Belated Christmas Greetings to all and a happy 2012!
hantsbear: (Default)
Visited Dearly Beloved Aged Parent for the weekend - went into Bath yesterday.  Can't believe it's been over 3 years since I was last there - much has changed - new bus station, new shopping mall (much more sympathetic to the local architecture than the previous 1970's monstrosity).  Encountered someone I worked with 25 years ago in the local branch of Boots.

Spent the afternoon wandering around Bradford-on-Avon.  I grew up here - much has changed.  Years ago, the town was filled with antique shops and estate agents (realtors).  Now, every other shop seems to be a coffee shop of some description.  Not, I hasten to add, that Starbucks et. al. have got even a foot hold in the town - all local enterprises.  Stumbled across a street fair and - one for [livejournal.com profile] ogam  here - a stall for the Bradford-on-Avon/ Sully sur Loire twinning society...

Aged parent still in good form - didn't sleep well though, the weather was too damn muggy.
hantsbear: (3D Me!)
Visit from Dearly Beloved Aged Parent passed ok - didn't really do much apart from drive around a little.  Had a meal out in one of the local Balti restaurants (when in the Midlands...)  And made a, rather fine if I say so myself, Shepherd's Pie...

hantsbear: (Now available on a local shoulder...!)
...is brought to you courtesy of the Dearly Beloved Aged Parent.

DBAP visited this morning because he, like all good parents, was worried about me after my accident earlier in the week.  He wants to be useful, so as well as doing some dishes, I suggested that he wash my hair for me.  I pulled off my shirt to reveal the tattoos that he has never seen.

"Oh, good for you!" he said, sounding somewhat impressed.  "Why have you never said anything about these?"
I fixed him with a reproachful glare: "It's not the sort of thing parents are supposed to approve of!"

Honestly, nearly 43 years and he still doesn't know the rules of the game...!!!
hantsbear: (What Do You Think Squashy Legs?)
This week's Bear With Me strip struck a chord with me; it showed one of the central characters being literally overwhelmed with all the negative messages and insecurities that appeared to have been hiding from him until he returned to his family.  Whilst these days, I think I am dealing with some of the negative messages that have haunted me over the years by challenging Dearly Beloved Aged Parent, they still catch me unawares and I am curled up foetal on the floor.  I'm not convinced I will ever lose those inner dialogues but slowly I am re-writing some of them.

Until the next disaster happens...
hantsbear: (South Park)
Well, I'm cat sitting over Christmas.  It doesn't look like I'm going to have a permanent job until the new year now, and even if I did I'm not sure I'd have the rail fare down to Crawley to take up [profile] karendunn's offer.  However, [profile] madamemish has offered the use of her manse over the festive season, on the understanding I feed Mad Frankie.  I'm sure I can drum up some turkey for him...

Dearly Beloved Aged Parent has been getting used to a new sensation lately; he's getting to know his cousins.  His last remaining aunt died a week or two ago; coincidentally, I had received a communication from one of his other cousins through Genes Reunited a month or so before that.  So, last week he went to the funeral and met three cousins he never knew he had.  Which, coming from a family where I know all of my cousins live and all of my uncles and aunts are still alive (it's just a mother I'm missing - grrr!) seems strange to me.
hantsbear: (Default)
Here I am sat in my hotel in Stafford.  It's somewhat strange to be here and not visiting relatives, but I don't want Dear Beloved Aged Parent aware that I'm getting interviews in case I get the "well, if you cut your hair..." lecture if I'm not getting results.  Because if I do get the lecture, I will lose my temper and I've already given the old sod two barrels of Very Depressed Koala between the forehead when he came back from Australia.

Anyway, interview is tomorrow.  Money is not good, but if it's all I can get, I'll probably take it... we shall see.
hantsbear: (happy pills)
...missing two days worth of Effexor when you are at a particularly low ebb is A Bad Thing.  Dear Beloved Aged Parent just called, all excited because he was just back from Australia and he gets two barrels of depressed me fired straight back at him.

Oy.
hantsbear: (God Jul!)
December is upon us. The wind is howling round the chimneys and the harbour, normally calm, is somewhat choppy. The Christmas Pudding is made (when I remember, I will publish) and is currently sitting in Crawley with strict instructions with Cognac to be trickled into it once a week. In a week's time I will be 41; [profile] rock_bear has promised me dinner next week and ritual humiliation at Pantomime (probably at the hands of Su Pollard, unless I feed her Horlicks first.)  As for the actual day of my birthday, I have no plans.  Yet.  Although a plan is forming - I don't particularly want to be at home by myself as there is the distinct possibility for melancholia, but I am waiting on the return of Dear Beloved Aged Parent from the Antipodes before I decide.
hantsbear: (Life)
This is bloody ridiculous.  I have only been unemployed for a month or so and yet I can see nothing positive in my work future.  Sure, I am applying for jobs, but there are people with more qualifications, more experience, live nearer the job than I do.  I have not had one interview.  And I can hear people out there saying "So what, I have been unemployed for x years..."   All I can see is humiliation.  If I start applying for lower paid jobs, I will have to sell the house, put a whole lot of stuff into store and basically go back to living in some sort of bed-sit or shared accomodation.  That is, if I can actually get a lower paid job.  I feel I could get hoist by my own petard : "Too much experience; too highly qualified".  Which means I could be forced to the ultimate humiliation.  Returning to live with my father and basically lose any control of my life.  I will basically have to give him power of attorney to run my life as he sees fit, because, quite frankly, if I get to that stage, I will have lost all self respect.  I will feel totally incompetent, lacking in any confidence, stupid, ignorant, incapable - my abject failure will be complete.

And yet people do their damndest to persuade me to be positive - bless 'em - but it's like throwing seeds onto stony ground.  Anything that tries to grow, withers and dies.  I am filled with so much negativity about myself, that anything positive that does happen to me gets swamped, diluted and ultimately eliminated.   There must be a better alternative.  I've tried pills; I've tried therapy.  Am I that hopeless a case???

P.S. Anybody know any decent suppliers of sack-cloth and ashes?
hantsbear: (Don't F*ck With Me!)
Dearly beloved aged parent has just rung.  He claims he's not nagging, but I'm afraid I don't see what else it could be.  He rang up to advise me that if I really want to get a decent job, I need to get my hair cut back to about shoulder length, because that's what most interviewers expect.  Sad fact of it is, part of me thinks he's right.  But part of me is offended that people judge on looks not ability.  I know [profile] rock_bear will tell me that this is poppycock, but I am convinced that there is a great deal of truth in this.  I need to talk to a few people in the business, and, fellow LiveJournallers, solicit your opinions!
hantsbear: (Will Talk For Food...)
Visiting Dear Beloved Aged Parent this weekend.  Being plied with booze - probably made up for all the units I've been entitled to for the last few months in one evening and waking up with a very sore head...!  Learning Swedish this morning...
hantsbear: (Cute Little Bloke)
The one thing I must never lose sight of is the number of people who love me.
hantsbear: (koala bear kare!)
At the moment, work seems one long blur. A continual round of calls from the boss downstairs asking me to do this, then drop that and do this, and a pile of stuff to be done. And interviews. And meetings. By the end of the day, my head is in a spin, or is that just the effect of the latex fumes from the carpet laying being done elsewhere on the floor? It's so difficult to tell. Anyway, only 2 - 3 weeks after Tucson, I feel like I need another holiday.

And then, I get a note from my doctor asking me to go and get some blood work done - I'd sent him a note with my last prescription refill request saying that Dear Beloved Aged Parent had been diagnosed as having type 2 Diabetes - so the doc wants me to do a fasting glucose test, along with getting all sorts of other tests like liver function, kidney function etc. So, it's off to see the blood clinic at the War Memorial Hospital on Thursday morning, after fasting over night. I'm not expecting any problems, as I've tested a couple of times with Clifford's blood sugar monitor as being ok. Best to check these things out though.

Trying to do a bit more family history research; got hold of some records from the 1901 census - no problem with Mom's side of the family, but Dad's family seem to have disappeared in 1901... curiouser and curiouser. Time to steel myself and talk to the Mormons, I think.
hantsbear: (God Jul!)

Hmmm... doesn't really rhyme, does it?  Anyways, dear beloved aged parent picks me up about 8am to head over to Sussex and drop me off at Karen and Keith's.  The presents are packed; the pudding is ready.  All that remains is to wish you and yours



Happy Holidays!


Now be off with you and do the eating and drinking and being merry thing...!

hantsbear: (Mountain koala)
So, here I am again in Bradford-on-Avon, visiting Dear Beloved Aged Parent. Conversation turns to talking about anger, and losing control. Very calmly, the conversation turned to me expressing a few things to Dad about his temper, and the effect it has had on me. I think it surprised him; fortunately this whole process is happening without either of us losing our tempers - which was always something I feared would happen; the scenario being me and him having a blazing row, and me coming out with "And another thing...!"

I am hoping this will work as part of my healing process.
hantsbear: (Gamla Stan)

Was looking at the photos in the lounge earlier today and thought I would put a quick guided tour to the immediate relics sorry, relatives... Clicky clicky... )

hantsbear: (Renaissance koala...!)

And so, I was visiting Dearly Beloved Aincent Parent this weekend, and came across some old photographs which caused me a little amusement...

Egad, was I really that skinny??? )

My Father, Beatnik Poet! )

hantsbear: (happy pills)

40 years ago. Eccleshall, Staffordshire: Deep within the uterus of Christine Brittain, the result of  a chance meeting between two gametes some three months previous was happily indulging in mitosis; producing something that was starting to look vaguely human...


30 years ago. Bradford-on-Avon, Wiltshire:  Second year at Christchurch Junior.  At this point, Narnia was still an entertaining book and not an euphemism for being in the closet.  Not much to report here.


20 years ago. Bradford-on-Avon, Wiltshire: Finishing re-sit year of poorly chosen A levels at Trowbridge College (Chemistry, Mathematics, Biology), because Dear Beloved Aged Parent wanted his easily swayed son to go to Unversity, or at the very least, Polytechnic.  The fact that the previous year I had completely failed all three subjects was irrelevant; clearly I had to suffer for another year to fulfull Dear Beloved Aged Parent's dream.  (Readers may note a certain amount of bitterness issues here!)

10 years ago. Bicester, Oxfordshire: Five months into living in my first home; working for a boss who was slowly driving to me to my first serious bout of depression (as noted in hindsight) but surviving for pasta and Star Trek :TNG on a Wednesday evening...


5 years ago. Gosport, Hampshire: Out of the closet a year; in a relationship for 8 months; just  got over first trip to the USA and planning three more that year.  Moved to another section at work where I actually felt valued for a change...

hantsbear: (grrrr...)

And so to my last session with my therapist.  Food for thought; largely about stuff covered in pervious journal entries, like my needing to politely tell my father to butt out.  Like my need for change.  And, yes, we did agree that I could possibly be having a mid life crisis...!

As for this morning... how I managed not to snap people's heads off I don't know.  A continuation of yesterday.  So, you can understand I was a little pissy to say the least.  And I daresay tomorrow will be exactly the same.  Urf. 

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