hantsbear: (that's mister cranky koala to you)
Clifford, it has been over two years since someone else filled my shoes.  Please don't worry; I am no way bitter about it.  In fact, I am glad you found someone in the same state as you rather than someone a continent away.  But I still can't help looking into you eyes in photographs and mushing up.  We still have a good friendship and I don't want to give it up.  I suppose somehow I need to find a way of moving on...

...I'm just not sure how.


Jan. 26th, 2009 07:52 pm
hantsbear: (The End)
I kept a picture of Clifford in my wallet.  Past tense.  I got rid of it this morning; I think I had a sense of wanting to move forward.

Time will tell.


Oct. 29th, 2008 07:39 pm
hantsbear: (koala and mountainbear)
Strands of light upon a bedroom floor
Change the night through an open door
I'm awake but this not my home
For the first time I'm not alone

Reaching out I touch another skin
Breathing out as he is breathing in
Deep inside I feel my soul aflame
Can my life ever be the same

I should have told him
I'd do anything if I could hold him
For just another day, for just another day
His love is something I will not forget
When I am far away, when I am far away
I feel the rainfall of another planet
Another planet

Close together in the afterglow
I remember how his loving flow
Turned the key into another world
Made a woman of a simple girl

Daylight comes as we both know it must
Soon my fantasy will turn to dust
But I would give him anything he asked
If my first love could be my last

I should have told him
I'd do anything if I could hold him
For just another day, for just another day
His love is something I will not regret
When I am far away, when I am far away
I feel the rainfall of another planet
When I am far away, when I am far away
I feel the rainfall of another planet
(Veronique Sanson/Gary Osbourne)

hantsbear: (that's mister cranky koala to you)
hantsbear: (koala and mountainbear)
 Guess who turns 50 tomorrow...

[profile] utahmtnbear!!
Still love ya after all this time!  Hugs.
hantsbear: (Gamla Stan)
All three major romances in my life have happened unexpectedly.  The close friendship that developed with [profile] rock_bear kept me going post [profile] utahmtnbear.  And now.  I am alone.  I have no-one that I share the same closeness that I felt with either Clifford or Russ.  I go to local bear meetings but people there are either in relationships or just uninterested in me.  All the interest at the moment seems to be from across the pond.  It might as well be out at the Milky Way.  Hell, even a trip to Manchester might just as well be a trip to Australia, but without the koalas.

I feel quite stuck.  I left the south because I knew I couldn't afford to live there and there would have been too many bad memories staying in Gosport.  Mind you, I had about as much interest from the local bear group there.  But I refuse to change.  To cut my hair and conform to UK Bear Official Standard Buzz Cut And Goatee just isn't me.

Where is my man?
hantsbear: (I want to speak to my agent...)
Crappy mood for about 50% of the morning at work today.  I'm not sure whether it had anything to do with the fact that I'd been chatting to Clifford on line first thing*, which had me thinking about what I don't have while I was walking into the city to catch the tram out to work.  I am currently pestering several agencies to get me a permanent position - one job I had high hopes of getting an interview for, I was turned down for because I "had too much experience for such a junior position".  Well, pardon me for breathing.  Surely the fact that I have been doing a menial (albeit temp) job for 6 months nearly should be some sort of indication that I'm prepared to put up with a basic clerical job.

What employers seem to be unaware of is that I can't get a job in the IT industry because of my lack of hardware experience; all of my software/language experience is in virtually extinct languages.  And it's been so long now since I used them that I would have difficulty getting back into that type of mindset.

So, I end up being frustrated which makes me even more determined to keep trying.  It's all I can do.  Doing nothing is not an option.

*we did not have an argument or anything; just my continual sense of loss.
hantsbear: (that's mister cranky koala to you)
Re-discovered this track recently which sort of sums up how I still feel about Clifford. 
hantsbear: (koala and mountainbear)
Dammit, it's been over a year now.  I still feel quite strongly for Clifford.  Maybe it's because nobody has swept me off my feet in the meantime, but hell, I'd still hoped for a little less feeling after a year...
hantsbear: (koala and mountainbear)
I took a deep breath and took the plunge last night.  Despite splitting amicably with Clifford ([profile] utahmtnbear ) earlier in the year, I was still ringing him every week.  And, to be honest, it wasn't doing me any good whatsoever.  So, I told him I would not ring so often and, more importantly, he knew how to ring me if he wanted to talk to me.  It hurt like hell, but it had to be done...
hantsbear: (The End)
Came across Cliff's Bear411 profile for the first time in a while today... and on it, he mentions Ben and has a picture of him and Ben on it.  And I think to myself "Why did I never have that honor?"  And then I remember.  If you think about it, he has probably spent more time with Ben than he has with me, so naturally, things are further progressed.
But it still hurts.
hantsbear: (To the Left...)
I spent a lot of my time looking at blue,
The colour of my room and my mood,
Blue on the walls, Blue out of my mouth,
The sort of blue between clouds when the sun comes out,
The sort of blue in those eyes you get hung up about.
When that feeling of meaninglessness, sets in,
Go blowing my mind on God.
The light in the dark with the neon arms,
The meek He seeks, the beast He calms,
The head of the good soul Department. 

I see myself suddenly on the piano,
As a melody.
My terrible fear of dying, no longer
Plays with me.
For now I know that I'm needed
For the symphony 

I associate love with Red,
The colour of my heart when she's dead,
Red in my mind when the jealousy flies,
Red in my eyes from emotional ties.
Manipulation, the danger signs.
The more I think about sex,
The better it gets,
Here we have a purpose in life.
Good for the blood circulation,
Good for releasing the tension,
The root of our reincarnations. 


(Kate Bush)
hantsbear: (Viking singular)
He's huge, hairy, happy, hirsute and huggable...

...it's [profile] utahmtnbear!  Happy birthday, Clifford!!!
hantsbear: (Default)
Eyes.  Truly, the window to the soul.  Some people have eyes I can very easily and willingly lose myself in.  It's always the first thing that draws my attention; then the smile.
hantsbear: (The Beginning)
One thing that has come out of my trip out west; endings are just beginnings.  A new kind of close relationship with Cliff; the (slim) hope that one day situations may change... a new beginning looking for someone.  And that is a positive outcome.
hantsbear: (Cute Little Bloke)
Okay, so I'm installed at a hotel near the airport; there is an unconcious [profile] utahmtnbear on the bed, and I am awaiting the arrival of a [profile] redbeardedblond at around four-ish.  It's 85 degrees out there, so I am thanking the God of Air Conditioners and Ice Cold Sodas.  I did have a whale of a time over here, honest, and I still have a visit with [profile] perkk, [profile] gotmoof and I am assuming, Miss Gwen tomorrow...
hantsbear: (Cute Little Bloke)
The one thing I must never lose sight of is the number of people who love me.
hantsbear: (Does This Make Me Look Trashy?)
So, this evening, I leave Dugway for what is possibly the last time.  Heading out to SLC; will probably spend tomorrow recovering from having slept on a floor, and going to see "The Wild".  Give me a wise-cracking, British, cross-dressing Koala and I'm interested.  Saturday is the Middle Eastern War out at Provo, then back to Salt Lake on Sunday, and a meet up with [profile] redbeardedblond.  Monday - the journey home with a stop over in Minneapolis to visit with [profile] perkk and [profile] gotmoof.  Then home, and reality.

For those who are interested, cellphone should be back online from 9pm Mountain Time.
hantsbear: (Catch Me Some Rays)
Photographs of the trip thus far...
hantsbear: (The End)
So, I’ve been here five days now and have been hanging with Clifford and Ben. It’s kind of weird meeting your replacement, so to speak. Have also had deep conversations with Cliff; we are both fond of each other; hell, things could have gone in an interesting direction.  It’s just a lot more difficult for me to go back to Nothing. Rien. Nada. I have given up on the Portsmouth, London and Manchester bear scenes – they are only interested in bald, goatee’d clones.

However, there are possibilities.  And I have not lost Clifford as a friend - that is important to both of us.  I just have to drag myself kicking and screaming into the real world.


hantsbear: (Default)

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