hantsbear: (The Bear-Koala Combo...)
Went to Russ's grave today to put some flowers on it.  I wish I'd bought more - I only got 6 white carnations, thinking that there may have been more flowers with it having been 4 years since his passing on Tuesday.
Also got to wondering what mischief he and [livejournal.com profile] beastbriskett are getting up to in the great hereafter/Valhalla/(insert afterlife of your choosing here)...!
hantsbear: (Where Are We Going?)
...happened to me on the way back from the cinema.  A group of teenagers passed me, and as they passed one of them shouted "Oi, mate you look like a teacher!"  For some reason I turned laughing and said "A teacher?  If only my life was that exciting!"  It amused me all the way to the bus stop.

And got me thinking.  I might be merely a public servant, but I have had an exciting life... leastways, there's been plenty of sex in the last twelve years...

And there's still life in the old dog yet - it's just that the pause button is set for the moment.
hantsbear: (Tea (nicked from who knows where!!!))

Remembering Greg ([livejournal.com profile] beastbriskett ) today on his birthday...
hantsbear: (all glory to the hypnotoad)
Things are a bit static at the moment.  Main blocking point is my transfer to an office closer to Steve - it just isn't happening at the moment, and I'm really not sure how long this situation is going to last.  The Powers That Be within the organisation told one office that I've been in contact with, that has vacancies that they will categorically refuse my transfer unless it is an emergency.  I wrote to the HR person concerned about 10 days ago; she only read the e-mail last Tuesday and has not replied yet.  Reading the official guidance, anyone requesting a transfer is pretty much at the bottom of the pile unless they can claim an emergency transfer, which, I am told is nigh on impossible to obtain.  I will probably end up trying though, because this is stressing both Steve and myself out...

Oh well (sigh)
hantsbear: (perkele)

January 31st. 2011.
hantsbear: (perkele)
Three years ago, I was in Tucson - I think it was a Thursday; various parties were being organised to local restaurants for the early arrivers at Fiesta de los Osos.  It must have been about 6pm - I had gone back to my hotel room for whatever reason and  I checked my computer and found a message from [livejournal.com profile] madamemish to contact her as soon as possible.  The transatlantic phone call that followed started something like this:-

"Mish?"
"He's gone." (sob)
"What?  Who...?"
"Russ.  He's dead."  There was a pause.  Then I howled.

The circumstances have been documented elsewhere, but at that moment in time I felt disconnected; hit by the full force of the distance between here and there.  There was only one thing I could do under that circumstance; I rang my father.  I needed the familiar.

I must have been in my room quite a while; when I re-emerged, I remember the first person to see me was [livejournal.com profile] shelbycub .  I'm not sure whether I just hugged him or blurted out what had happened.

Fast forward three years; it still hurts.  Which is good in it's own way.  Have asked Steve to take me to the grave the weekend after next.  I'll be a mess, but I think I need to be a mess.
hantsbear: (Marsupial Pride)
I was an impossible case...

I cried at the drop of a hat.  Still do. 
Never wanted to perform certain acts with a woman.  Felt strangely drawn to certain men.
Did not understand it.
Was called a poof and gay at school.  Not every day, but enough to give me the message that liking men was Not A Good Thing.
(I should add that I now consider it A Very Good Thing!)
Had two failed attempts at being straight - nice girls, but I disappointed them.  I know that now.
Spent years thinking that somehow I was attracted to neither sex; asexual even.

Then...
The internet came along, and my life changed completely.  I found that men who liked hairy men.  I found men who shared my fetishes.
I found the power to express my fetish.
And then it seemed right.  It was the most natural thing in the world.
I came out.  And have not looked back into the closet since.
I have blossomed.  I have done things that fifteen years ago I would never have dreamt of.

I need to get a time machine.  Go back to 1980, find myself.

Tell myself  "It doesn't just get better, darling, it gets fabulous!".

Well, probably not so much of a cliché, but you get the picture.

So, honoring the memory of those who didn't have someone who could tell them that, and in the hope that these words will help others, I wore purple today.
hantsbear: (quagmire)
There was a new relief security guard in the office today; average size, short grey hair with a bald spot and a goatee.  He came over to me and introduced himself to me, asking if I was a biker.
"Ex-biker", I explained and we discussed bikes and eventually (surprise) the Hairy Bikers.  Later, my colleague (and self appointed Yenta) Amiee sidles over.
"You fancy him."
"I might..." I replied blushing slightly.
"I reckon there's an 82% chance he's gay," she responded.  82%?  Did she sit down with a calculator and work it out???  Anyway, later on in the day, during a subsequent conversation, he utters the "W" word.  I reported this back to Amiee, who was quite surprised.  Mohammed was listening in and snorted "Hah!  That doesn't mean anything!"
hantsbear: (quagmire)
So there's this guy.

He lives about an hours train ride from here and I've been corresponding online with him through Bearciti.  Been trying to sort out a meeting with him for over a month now; but, despite me being free most weekends, it seems not to be the case with him.  Parents seem to crop up as a reason which makes me suspect that he is not out to them.

But I likes the look of him and he of me, so I'm going to persist.
hantsbear: (Will Talk For Food...)
...and the answer seems to be an overwhelming "Erm..."  The Conservatives have the most seats, but not enough for a majority.  Labour could possibly form a coalition with the Liberal Democrats, but the Liberal Democrats don't want anything to do with Gordon Brown, the current PM.  And the Green party finally got their first MP.

At the moment, the Liberal Democrats are talking to the Conservative party, which makes for uncomfortable bedfellows, since the Conservative party is against reforming the voting system and intend making radical cuts to the national budget, not spending on public services.

And we all know how much I love the Conservative party...  hah!
hantsbear: (Mandy)
So, in a months time, we are to have a general election.  Conservatives, led by the Eton educated David Cameron, who will most likely asset strip as much as possible of the civil service (privatised again, oh joy) so that they can fund tax cuts for a small percentage of the population.  Labour, led by the ever dour Gordon Brown, who few people trust since the days of Lord President Blair.  Then there's the Liberal Democrats who most likely get 20% of the vote but return less than 9% of the MP's.

Unfortunately, I don't think the Monster Raving Loony Party is putting up a candidate in my district...
hantsbear: (Life)
A friend has stated to me that I am preventing my own happiness and that I am determined to be miserable whatever the cost.  I am not sure that I agree 100% with that second statement, for this reason: I am a lot happier working for the Department for Work and Pensions than I was working for EDS, especially the last 6 months.  For one thing, I do not suffer from continual stress.  Sure, there are stressful occasions but not the constant pressure of supervising effectively the human equivalent of a battery farm.  Yes, the boss can be an irritating sod at times with some of his quirks but all in all he is, for the most part, considerate and human.

I think the first statement is aimed at my desire for a relationship of some sort.  Sure, I don't expect it to happen over night, but it was commented on a visit to The Fountain in Birmingham (the local bear bar) that I avoid eye contact with people who are interested in me.  Or am completely oblivious of them.  Compare two situations : Fiesta de los Osos - I don't seem to have a problem with eye contact or talking to people, and people talking to me.  Or is there something I'm not aware of?  The last Manbears event I went to - I was virtually ignored all evening, despite trying to make eye contact with people.

Oh well, I am due to meet a guy on Sunday afternoon, so we shall see what happens...
hantsbear: (that's mister cranky koala to you)

2009

Jan. 1st, 2010 12:42 pm
hantsbear: (The Beginning)
2009 started well enough.  Promotion.  A new location.  A new flat, which eventually became all mine.
But still single.  Still feeling unfulfilled (don't know why.)
Hoping 2010 will be better for everyone.

44

Dec. 10th, 2009 09:01 am
hantsbear: (Eucalyptus break)
I can't say I feel 44.
Not really sure what I'm feeling today apart from a little disappointment - IKEA used to run a Julbord around about now - a Christmas version of the traditional smörgåsbord, but checking the website there's no mention of this.
So, not really sure what I'm going to treat myself to at lunch today.
Off to Edinburgh tomorrow; no firm plans yet apart from Koala visiting on Saturday morning...
hantsbear: (Life)
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

I work hard
He works hard
Every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own -
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord - somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me - somebody to love?

He works hard

Everyday
Everyday
- I try and I try and I try -
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm goin' crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
Got no common sense
He's got nobody left to believe
Yeah - yeah yeah yeah

Oh Lord
Somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
I'm ok, I'm alright
He's alright; he's alright
Ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord!

Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Somebody, somebody
Find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Freddie Mercury (Farroukh Bulsara)
hantsbear: (Don't F*ck With Me!)
One thing that really bugs me about my life is my inability (according to the Driving Standards Agency) to drive a car.  I have proved to their satisfaction that I can drive a motorcycle but not a car.  And this has just been brought into sharp focus this morning as I tried to schedule a delivery from IKEA, which was being made by DHL.  I placed the order last Wednesday for a book case and two CD tower cases.  They advised me their approximate delivery date was Friday 9th. October.  Great, thinks I, I've got the day off anyway.  I had a call yesterday while I was out from DHL to schedule the delivery; unfortunately, I was out all day.  They called again this morning on my cellphone - they can deliver next Tuesday (which I cannot make as I am on training Tuesday through Thursday) but not Friday as it was fully booked.

I am relying on these purchases to help me empty out a few more boxes and start to make the apartment a bit more habitable - less like cardboard city.  It seems that I now have to live like this until October 30th. which is my next day off.  The fact of the matter is, all the boxes hanging around depresses me - I look at them all and think "where the hell am I going to put it all?"  And I am not the best person for motivating myself.  I know that if Russ were alive, he would be, at minimum, giving me Fierce Eyebrows.  And so we add "Missing Russ (still)" to the list of things depressing me at the moment...

But anyways, back to the lack of ability to drive.  I have taken (at last count) seven tests - which probably doesn't seem like much - at various times in my life.  Problem has always been running out of money to continue with the lessons.  And so, it is usually a few years in between attempts.  And in between, the test increases in difficulty - some other thing gets added; last time, it was reversing into a parking space and having to quote basic maintenance.  All very laudible things to undertake but just adding to my frustration.

The worrying thing is I am afraid to try again - I am toying with the idea of going away somewhere and doing an intensive course, but the last time I did that, the instructor shouted at me when I did something daft and as a result, I lost all confidence.  I would love to be able to drive and it seems that it is unacheiveable for me.  Or is it?  Do I try hypnosis?  Do I try a pill?  Am I that desparate?  Or frustrated?

Answers on a postcard, please.
hantsbear: (Ack)
I checked the messages on my cellphone about a half hour ago.  There was a message from my bank - that can only mean trouble, I thought.  I checked my statement on line and found somehow I was overdrawn by £6.35.  This probably will incur a charge by my bank of £28.00 as an unauthorised borrowing, unless I try some serious grovelling tomorrow.

I have found out what caused the error, and transferred money over to cover the error and another bill due next week, but it's still one massive knee to the groin.

I feel sick.
hantsbear: (Will Talk For Food...)
Sat down and watched this movie again after 5 years or so.  Sniffled a bit.  Maybe it's the mood I'm in at the moment - have been clearing space in the apartment ready for next month when I get everything out of storage.  Maybe there will be more tears then when I find more remnants of a past life.  Maybe not.  We shall see.
hantsbear: (that's mister cranky koala to you)
Clifford, it has been over two years since someone else filled my shoes.  Please don't worry; I am no way bitter about it.  In fact, I am glad you found someone in the same state as you rather than someone a continent away.  But I still can't help looking into you eyes in photographs and mushing up.  We still have a good friendship and I don't want to give it up.  I suppose somehow I need to find a way of moving on...



...I'm just not sure how.



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